Friday, December 09, 2005


I am just feeling a little, no make that a lot, "off" today. I am not sure what was the exact start of all of this, but it has been a day where things have just been building.

I was up super late last night due to choir practice running long, and was feeling a little patronized by the section leader of my choir section who was saying things like "we are going to havea competition between choir sections to see who can be the quietest when Aaron is talking" and I felt like I was in first grade being scolded by my teacher. I didn't like it in first grade, and I like it even less as a thirty-year-old. I am also struggling to learn the tune of the songs we are singing. It is proving to be a lot harder than I would like. I am feeling like I am failing.

So, I woke up a little on the wrong side of the bed. Then, got to work, and got an email from a friend's boyfriend who would like to propose to her, which would normally be a great cause for celebaration. Except that they have been on a bit of a break because she is still not sure. I have felt very much in the middle of this whole situation for various reasons. The main reason is that she is indecisive and wanting me to either validate her fear or help talk her into this guy when the reality of the situation is that it is her decision, not mine. Do I have concerns? Yes. But my concerns stem from the fact that she still hasn't decided. After a year and a half of dating. Is this her fears and doubts, or is it the Lord's way of subtly trying to get her attention that he is not the one for her? I don't have the answer to this, yet I do know that she needs to decide. Period.

And, then I have her boyfriend rebuking me for not being more excited for her and trying to help her decide in his favor. How can I have an opinion until SHE has an opinion? It isn't my role to help her decide, it is to help her guard her heart and have breakthrough in restoration. Isn't it? And, when I told him that I wasn't release to be excited for her until SHE is excited and decided, he told me I was wrong! I felt manipulated and like I was in the middle of some sort of high school drama. My friend has even said that she thinks he has been telling me things so that I can pass that information on to her. Whether that is true or not, I am not here to play that kind of game! And so, I am feeling caught in the middle. I think he is planning on asking her out of fear or losing her. I think she'd say yes at this point out of obligation while being wracked with fear and hesistation and indecision herself. How do I get myself out of this mess and still be helpful? I can see how my desire to be helpful is leading me to go crazy in my own strongholds. My friend can't decide, and I can't understand that, and so I want to "help" her make the right decision, when it is NOT my decision to make. It is hers to make. Her boyfriend wants me to have an opinion, but his manipulation and game playing are irritating to me. Is he the one for her? When I see his flaws, I am of course going to see them through the eyes of someone who is not meant for him. So, my opinions are not shaped by someone seeing him as a future mate, or as someone who might be his future mate should. I am not the one to offer an opinion on him. It would not be helpful and would only validate my friend's fears.

I called my friend's small group leader to have a discussion with her about the situation and was told "this is not about you." Which, she is right, it is not. But, I AM involved, and that was what I was wanting advice to MAKE IT not about me. How to do the right thing by my friend. Whamo!

Then, I have been feeling instead of conviction, condemnation and feeling like a failure (big surprise eh?) over my time with my small group. I don't have enough hours in the week to fully pour into each of them like I want to. How do I balance a schedule where they are all important to me, they all get my help in restoration, while still being a sane person? I am feeling myself getting overwhelmed with the amount of time that each of them needs from me each week. I want to love them and see them restored, but I can't fit it all in in the way that they would need. Help me Jesus! Then, to top it off, I am feeling like for sure one, if not two, are in the process of avoiding me. How do I pursue them and let them know that they are valued and charished but not at the expense of the other girls who are wanting my help?

This is really just a bigger problem of managing my schedule. I am feeling like I don't have a moment to rest. Even Jesus took time out of his schedule to rest. I am certainly not Jesus, and if He needed it, I certainly do too. Maybe I am just tired and cranky and overwhelmed today.

In addition, I am here at work right now and was sharing something with a co-worker and got my throat jumped down. He has been very busy with a work project and when he has been around, up until this week, he has been terse and taciturn. All I did was mention that he has not been himself lately, and I got figuratively slapped in the face for it.

All I want to do is crawl into a hole and disappear.

See, and now I read that long list, and I can see that I am complaining. I am complaining and whining and feeling sorry for myself. That doesn't help anything. Oh, Lord. I need help! I don't have the answers, and that is hard for me to admit. I like having the answers to life (because failure is less of an option, you see), and it is hard for me to admit that I am struggling with where to go and what to do in these situations. Couple that with being tired and overwhelmed and you have me not watching my tongue or thinking before speaking and acting. People get hurt that way, and then I feel even more like a failure.

Round and round we go, where it stop only Jesus knows!

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