Thursday, March 29, 2007


I am already starting to see how this new job is going to be a refining one for me. We had our very first staff meeting today and I think I bawled through half of it. Pastor Brian was just going to step in and talk to us staff briefly before we had our meeting about upcoming events at the church etc. and it turned into a three-hour hanky-fest. He was talking about the cost of following the Lord and how we don't want to truly pay the cost. He has just come back from a trip to Turkey and has seen how true missionaries live and the cost that they pay, as well as the cost that disciples had to pay. And the bottom line is: I have not been willing to pay the cost.

There are so many things that I just hold onto so dearly and with clenched fists.....I fight to keep them and do not want to give them up. My time, my reputation, my house. You name it, and it is something I have held onto. No, the Lord is not asking me to be perfect at this yet. But, if I truly want revival to break out, if I truly want others to know the Lord, if I truly want those things it could very well cost me everything.

Giving up what is really nothing in order to gain everything is the truth of the matter. Yet I somehow still look at those things that are "nothing" and think that somehow they have merit. Where do I get that idea?

My life should be lived to serve, to come low, to obey at first ask, to love others, and I see that I do very little of that. Even today at my job, having opportunity after opportunity to just be less of "me" and more of "Jesus" to my co-workers, I am convicted of how little I did just that. How much harder to bless and serve those who are not easy to love. Yet those are the very people who need it most.

I am pressed this evening, and need more of Jesus to meet me here.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Pictures from Korea

Back from Korea

I am back from my trip to Korea and after sleeping thirteen hours last night, I am feeling pretty rested right now. I have a ton of laundry to do and a lot of unpacking, plus I am in desperate need of grocery shopping, but I am back!

The trip was amazing and I feel like I am probably different in a lot of ways, but there is SO MUCH I need to process through right now.

We did two three-day "conferences" in Seoul. One was at a church with about 50 women, and the other was at a YWAM school with about 120 women. Both conferences had similar formats: Day one talking about repentance and sin and how those things affect our original design and hearing from the Lord. Then we prayed and got everyone's original design. (yes two teams prayed for 120 people's original design in one afternoon!!! plus we had to use a translator which made everything take twice as long). The next day we talked about strongholds, and what they are and what forges them. We then walked them through repenting of them. The last day was the funnest when we got to talk about hearing from the Lord and then let them all break into groups and pray for each other.

There is so much to process through about what invitation to come back in the fall, an invitaiton from a Chinese pastor to come to China, the generosity and hospitality of the Korean people....and on and on. I will try to write more as I can. It is good to be back home though.

Monday, March 12, 2007


I have decided the reason I love spring so much is because it is the promise of a new start. You know? Birds are back singing their little hearts out. FLowers are blooming and their brightness lights up the dim corners of a dreary garden. Even the scent of grass cut for the first time in months just smells nice. Everything just seems to be singing praises to the King....and I am singing right along with them.

I got to spend several hours outside today working in the yard. It was pouring down rain yesterday, so I spent yesterday packing in hopes that I could be outside today. I pruned a bunch of plants in dire need of having dead branches or branches heading in the wrong direction, did some weeding and general cleanup of branches so that I could mow. I mowed for the first time this year and it is amazing to me always how much cleaner the yard looks with a nice trim. I also sprayed off the back deck and had dreams of the BBQs we will have back there this summer. Not everything is blooming, but it is all so spring-like outside. It just lifed my spirits. I also got to plant a few plants I had purchased at the flower show in Feb. as well as the roses mom and dad bought me for a VERY early birthday present. They are going to look beautiful when they are in full bloom.

I leave for Korea tomorrow and I am getting more excited about the trip as it draws closer. I have been praying and praying for the Lord to give me a deeper heart for the Korean women I am going to meet and minister to. Unlike England, Korea has never been a place I have dreamed of going to. Don't get me wrong, now that I am going, I am super excited. But, it is not a place I have really ever thought of visiting before. Most likely the next time I post, I will have returned from Korea. I am taking my camera, so pictures will follow!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Take THAT Fear

I have had major victory over fear this week. I know it to be true because the things that I was anxious about and fretting over a week ago, are now no longer an issue....I have had freedom!

Example a. Follow-up class to our women's conference. Last week I taught our follow-up class and it went great. Once again I had way over-prepared and had probably 50 minutes worth of teaching or more to fit into half an hour. So, this week, instead of worrying all week about finding tim to prepare for this week, or working on it off and on all week, I just took the evening this evening and it took about an hour or so, but I am ready for this Saturday's class! Wow, how easy is that?

Example b. Korea. I woke up a few weeks ago from a nightmare (see previous post about weird dreams) regarding the trip with my heart pounding and all sweaty. Some of this was my own sin, some of this was intercession for the trip that needed to happen, but I am completely at peace and more excited about the whole thing than I have been since we first heard about going. I think I will get even more excited once I actually begin packing (tomorrow). Right now it just seems really surreal.

Example c. New job. I am so over the top about this that I actually took some of my tax return money and bought a few new things to wear. Since I will be the first person you see when you walk in the door of the church office AND since it is an office setting, I thought I should be at least a little professional looking. Not every day, since it is still a pretty casual place, but more than I have been for rolling around on the floors with preschoolers. Also, I needed some spring clothes since last year's spring clothes do not fit me! I am about 20 lbs. below last spring's weight, and even about 10-15 lbs below last summer's weight, so summer clothes might be in the works as well. I do not even own a single pair of shorts other than workout shorts! I can't wear shorts in the office, but they will be nice to have.

In other news....Lora is getting ready to move out at the end of the month to start her own house. Kristy, who has been sharing quarters with me upstairs will get her room. Not sure yet if I will have someone move in upstairs with me. I might just go a while and have just the three of us. It is nice between roommates to have the upstairs to myself. Plus, I am looking into the whole remodel thing up there again. I know it sounds crazy, but I am seriously considering it. If I do that, it will be better to just have me up there. We'll see. Financially things are a bit different now then they were the last time I seriously thought about it. However, there is a guy at church who is a contractor (not the same one I looked into last time) and I trust him to give me a fair quote.

Spring fever has also hit me quite hard. I can hardly wait to get myself out into the garden again. I have done a bit of work out there, but every day I go on what I call my "garden tour" just to see what is blooming, about to bloom, or getting ready to put on a serious show of leaves bursting forth. I am itching to get some of my plants moved about, and do some pruning, but I am just enjoying the fact that it literally smells like spring. The other day it was 67 degrees here and clear and I just drove around with my windows down and the Mariner's on the radio (Spring Training game, but still!!) and I felt so great. There is such an appreciation for me this time every year. The days are longer, it is warming up, plants are blooming, and winter is coming to an end. I am not a huge fan of the months of Jan. and Feb. due to their gloominess, but I KNOW that I appreciate spring that much more because of those months. And I also know that for those plants to put on the "show" that they do each year, they also need those months to rest. Isn't it amazing how our Lord knew that even plants needed a time to rest. I could learn a lot from that!

Well, next time I post it MIGHT be after returning from Korea. We'll see. If there is any other big news, I might get a chance to blog, otherwise, .....Korea, here I come!

Saturday, March 03, 2007


I am now officially a "retired" preschool director. I had my last day with the 3-year-olds on Thursday and my last day with the 4-year-olds on Friday. We had a bit of a "party" on Thursday. I got some flowers and cards from the kids, but and even bigger "party" on Friday. This came complete with yummy brownie bites, gifts, balloons etc. It was so cute. I don't think a lot of them really realize that I am done there. I don't think *I* fully realize that I am done there. I think it will hit me more on Monday when I don't have to get up early. I pretty much held it together emotionally until the very end when I got a picture book from Erika, and then when I had to say goodbye. I will miss those kids so much. It is amazing how much I love them!

We also hired someone at my other part time job. I start training her on Monday. It should be good to transition out of that job, too. I love working with all the guys at that church and in the office, but I am for sure ready to move on.

I leave for Korea a week from Tuesday. I will be gone for nine days. We are spending our whole trip in Seoul. However, we have discovered that we will be staying in a hotel. That is good! I don't think I have had a ton of time to really process that I am leaving in basically a week for a whole different country. If you think about it, be praying. I have had some funky weird dreams lately regarding the trip. I won't go into details, but let's just say I have a feeling intercession is needed!

I have not been able to get a hold of any recordings of my talk from the conference. I keep hearing from people how great it was, though. And that is encouraging. We are still continuing with our four-week follow up classes and I am teaching the first of them today. I am not as nervous at all as I was for the conference, but I am still I think overly worried about it. This has been such an area of needing breakthrough! I have been so fearful! I HATE it! It is not like me to be such a woman of fear. And, it is fear based in absolutely nothing! I am afraid of messing up, afraid of saying something wrong, afraid of people saying that I am not a good teacher and shouldn't be doing it any more, afraid that this is my ONE opportunity to teach and I'll never get to do it again, afraid of what leadership will think about me, afraid that people will change their minds about me, blah, blah, blah, blah.....ICK! And, it is not just this one area that I am fearful about....Korea, my new job, being a good small group leader....

The bottom line is, that I have not been trusting the Lord. Period. There is no other way to put it. Not only that, I have been so concerned about what others think of me, and idolizing their opinions that I have not cared at all what the Lord says about how I am doing. This has led to so much self-focus, and I have wounded at least one friend with my actions. You know when you are consumed with what people think of you, you at times hurt those around you. This is what has happened. In my zeal to be noticed and thought highly of by those who's opinion "matters" I have pushed away those who love me most. I have needed to ask forgiveness a lot lately. I have been humbled.

If you are someone in my life that I have overlooked lately, I extend my sincerest apology.