Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The World is *Not* Coming to an End...Even if it Feels Like It Is

Head's up Chicken Little: the sky is not falling.

Rather, it is falling in certain areas and not in others.

My life is not falling apart, though I may have given that impression by my last post.  Though it is going horribly in the area of relationships, there are other areas that are going quite well.

With my job, though paying very little, I got a raise recently.  I did also make it to an interview for a position I applied for there (even though I didn't get the job, and even though I am not sure if I'll even be there that much longer).  I am also still having a very good time working there, and really enjoying what I do.  There are very few days I get up and don't want to go to work.  Money is still a very difficult area for me, but liking what you do is so important.

While I still have a torn rotator cuff, and my other health issue is still very much present, I have been working out with a trainer for a while now and have lost about six to eight pounds.  Since I lost 50 lbs a few years ago, 6-8 lbs is not a lot, but what I have gained is a very real workout habit, a ton of physical strength, and my cardiovascular shape is some of the best it's been in the last few years.  I really enjoy working out with the trainer....I think all my years of being coached just makes this click with me.  There's something motivating for me about having someone stand there not only showing me what to do but pressing me into doing something better/faster/further/more than I thought I could do.

In areas of ministry, there are some bright spots.  I have been spending a lot of time with some college students in town for the summer and I am realizing just how energizing this age group is for me and just how alive I feel when I am around them and pouring into them.  Last night for example, I drove a group home from an event out on the Key Peninsula and got to talking about some discipleship issues.  The drive went so fast.  As one of the girls exited my car she said "you are a wise woman."  I realized how much I love teaching and discipleship and love getting to talk about things I've learned with this age group.  I wish I could work with this age all the time.

Additionally, Call2All has not given up on my working for them full time.  They called me a week or so ago and want me to seriously consider moving to Kansas City (instead of Kona) for a year to work in their office.  I was even offered help fund raising to do this.  They also want me to help with events this upcoming year in: Malta, India, Switzerland and Indonesia.  This has certainly given me pause to think and pray.  Though I am still reluctant to do administration, I am not sure whether this is an open door to walk through or not.  I am not psyched about KC (but being close to my brother and his family is exciting), I am not psyched about administration, but I am psyched about travel and some other things.  Fund-raising scares the living daylights out of me (like I *need* more opportunities for rejection, right?), and honestly I am not in a financial spot to leave quite yet.  I have had some unexpected expenses that have put a slow-down on my ability to pay off my credit card AND I have some car and house repairs that would have to happen for me to rent my house and drive my car halfway across the country.  Sigh.  I wish I knew what the plan for me in this area was.

It's good for me to write about a few of the things that are going well in my life right now.  It's helpful for me not to focus so much on the things that are going wrong....because that of course is not the full picture, though it certainly feels pretty overwhelming at times.

Praying your life is full,

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Something's Gotta Give

I read about a study in one of my college psychology classes that was done on babies before there were regulations of the psychology profession.  In this study they deprived the babies of human touch for a number of very formative months and then followed these babies to see how they developed devoid of touch.  Each and every baby died.  (You can see why they implemented regulations!)

Lately, I have started to feel like one of these babies.....and the outcome of this scenario is killing me.

We humans are designed to be in relationship with each other.  We need other people or we become some strange, even disturbed, version of what a real human being should be (think about what happens to people who never leave their house, or are stuck at home working on their computers and don't interact with others, or live only to play video games...). There is even a whole sub-culture of this in Japan. There are men who have "shamed" their families and cannot be seen in public any they live alone in an apartment, never coming out and being cared for by their families who bring them food etc.  The suicide rate for these men is astronomical.

I just am so lonely that I almost don't know what to do any more.  Even when I initiate it feels like it's all on my end and is rarely reciprocated.  I can't tell you the number of things that happen during the course of a month that I don't get invited to.  Most people would tell you that they probably aren't forgetting me on purpose, but the fact is that I am not *remembered* either.

All growing up all I wanted was a heart friend.  "Anne of Green Gables" would call it a kindred spirit.  I have just wanted to be known, and important to someone; I just wanted to belong.

I know this all sounds like a big pity party.  I recognize that this is the *same exact* struggle I've been going through for years now....but I am just at my wit's end....I just don't know what to do any more.

The roots I have here in Tacoma go deep....there are reasons I have not moved yet....but there are days like today when far away wouldn't be far enough.  And, I'll be honest, there still feels like there must be something wrong with ME.  This seems to be a mindset that is epoxied into my brain with super glue so strong nothing can shake it.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

If I Only Did What I Was Good At....

I applied for a permanent position at the zoo.

This really isn't an earth shatteing announcement except for the fact that I am pretty sure if I got the job, I would not be able to simultaineously go to Law School.

However, I am heading into this process with eyes wide-open....if I got the job, it would mean a promotion *over* someone already in a permanent position at the zoo and someone who actually used to be my boss.  Realistically I am probably candidate 3 out of 3.  My chances are slim to none that I'll actually get this job.

It seems strange to have even applied for it for a couple of reasons, the Law School conflict being one and the fact that others who "make more sense" were applying too.  In fact, many in my department who were gung-ho to apply early on did not apply.  Perhaps because of who the competition is, or perhaps for other reasons.

I'll be honest, I almost did not apply.  The qualifications and responsibilities for this job are pretty steep.  I'd have a lot on my plate.  When I looked at the job application, I almost balked.  Then I did an honest assessment....I qualified for the position.  I met all the criteria.  The only reason *not* to apply would be because of who else was applying.  Poppycock.

I have literally nothing to lose by applying and going through this process (with the exception of possibly going to Law School).  I have everything to gain. I have already gained application and resume writing experience, on Tuesday I'll have gained interview experience, and you just never know...I might gain a job out of this too. 

Yes, if I got the job I'd have to pray about my future plans....but this just felt like an open door I was supposed to walk through.  There's a funny saying about God not being able to steer a parked car, or something like that and I really feel like this applies in this situation.  I'll cross the bridge of what to do about Law School IF I even cross the bridge of that being an option.

Meanwhile, I really feel that if I only attempted things I was guaranteed success at, I'd really never do much of anything.  There are so many lessons in this truth, and it even applies to my future with Law School too....

If I only do that which I am good at, already excel at, am guaranteed a good return on etc....I am stuck doing what I've always done.  Things that are a great reward always require great risk. The greater the reward the greater the risk.

Do I look like a fool for applying for a job that others more qualified than I have applied for?  Maybe.  But, then again, maybe not.  Bravery is not the absence of fear, it's being afraid and doing something in spite of the fear.  My prayer is that I would be brave enough to look like a fool, stuble and fall, but be willing to walk through an open door when it's right in front of me, even if it doesn't make sense.


Sunday, July 04, 2010


I sit at home alone on this holiday.  Don't get me wrong, I *could* be at a party right now, but the last few weeks I have been suffering through a bout of insomnia.  I get these stretches every once in a while and I am in the middle (or maybe end) of another one.  As hard as these bouts are, they could be worse....I used to go months and months (and one time even two years) without being able to sleep without some sort of medicinal help.  However, when I do have these stretches, I am a walking zombie....which I have been the last few weeks.

For this reason, I am at home tonight...too exhausted to go anywhere, not enough energy to even really talk to anyone on the phone, no amount of coffee would be enough to wake me up.

I also haven't written much these last few weeks.  There's no direct correlation that I can tell of my insomnia and my lack of inspiration, but I think I just mostly don't have anything new to write about.  Re-hashing and re-writing the same angst seems, well, redundant.

So, here are a few new updates:
1.  I have a gal living with me for the summer.  She's a college student and I am *loving* having someone young, full of energy and someone to connect with on a mentor/mentee level living here.  Should I stay in Tacoma, I'd love to have more college students here.  It would mean a shift in the house, as up until now I've pretty much only had peers live here. 

2.  I have met with a few folks I know who have gone to law school and as of right now, this is still the plan.  I'll take a prep course in the fall, the LSAT in December and submit applications due in January.  Right now I'd like to apply to Seattle U, University of Washington, Arizona State, University of Chicago, Liberty, Regent and Stanford.

3.  Having a third housemate has helped with finances a little, and as a result I have hired a personal trainer and have met with him for a couple of months now.  I am really enjoying working out with him and getting into shape.  I have never enjoyed exercise a ton, so I am really trying to get to the point where this is a habit and looking at it as a lifestyle change.

4.  I am seriously considering trying online dating again.  As much as I *hate* (if there was a stronger word for it, I'd probably use it) online dating, it seems that my options for dating the "traditional" way aren't happening.

5.  I have heard from Call2All again, and it looks like they'd like my help again this coming April for a conference in India.  So, we'll see if this happens, but at any rate, I'll be working on the conference like the one I did for Turkey.  While I know I am not called right now to do admin for this organization, I still will continue to do event planning while I can.

I think that's all for now.