I read about a study in one of my college psychology classes that was done on babies before there were regulations of the psychology profession. In this study they deprived the babies of human touch for a number of very formative months and then followed these babies to see how they developed devoid of touch. Each and every baby died. (You can see why they implemented regulations!)
Lately, I have started to feel like one of these babies.....and the outcome of this scenario is killing me.
We humans are designed to be in relationship with each other. We need other people or we become some strange, even disturbed, version of what a real human being should be (think about what happens to people who never leave their house, or are stuck at home working on their computers and don't interact with others, or live only to play video games...). There is even a whole sub-culture of this in Japan. There are men who have "shamed" their families and cannot be seen in public any more...so they live alone in an apartment, never coming out and being cared for by their families who bring them food etc. The suicide rate for these men is astronomical.
I just am so lonely that I almost don't know what to do any more. Even when I initiate it feels like it's all on my end and is rarely reciprocated. I can't tell you the number of things that happen during the course of a month that I don't get invited to. Most people would tell you that they probably aren't forgetting me on purpose, but the fact is that I am not *remembered* either.
All growing up all I wanted was a heart friend. "Anne of Green Gables" would call it a kindred spirit. I have just wanted to be known, and important to someone; I just wanted to belong.
I know this all sounds like a big pity party. I recognize that this is the *same exact* struggle I've been going through for years now....but I am just at my wit's end....I just don't know what to do any more.
The roots I have here in Tacoma go deep....there are reasons I have not moved yet....but there are days like today when far away wouldn't be far enough. And, I'll be honest, there still feels like there must be something wrong with ME. This seems to be a mindset that is epoxied into my brain with super glue so strong nothing can shake it.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take.