I read about a study in one of my college psychology classes that was done on babies before there were regulations of the psychology profession. In this study they deprived the babies of human touch for a number of very formative months and then followed these babies to see how they developed devoid of touch. Each and every baby died. (You can see why they implemented regulations!)
Lately, I have started to feel like one of these babies.....and the outcome of this scenario is killing me.
We humans are designed to be in relationship with each other. We need other people or we become some strange, even disturbed, version of what a real human being should be (think about what happens to people who never leave their house, or are stuck at home working on their computers and don't interact with others, or live only to play video games...). There is even a whole sub-culture of this in Japan. There are men who have "shamed" their families and cannot be seen in public any more...so they live alone in an apartment, never coming out and being cared for by their families who bring them food etc. The suicide rate for these men is astronomical.
I just am so lonely that I almost don't know what to do any more. Even when I initiate it feels like it's all on my end and is rarely reciprocated. I can't tell you the number of things that happen during the course of a month that I don't get invited to. Most people would tell you that they probably aren't forgetting me on purpose, but the fact is that I am not *remembered* either.
All growing up all I wanted was a heart friend. "Anne of Green Gables" would call it a kindred spirit. I have just wanted to be known, and important to someone; I just wanted to belong.
I know this all sounds like a big pity party. I recognize that this is the *same exact* struggle I've been going through for years now....but I am just at my wit's end....I just don't know what to do any more.
The roots I have here in Tacoma go deep....there are reasons I have not moved yet....but there are days like today when far away wouldn't be far enough. And, I'll be honest, there still feels like there must be something wrong with ME. This seems to be a mindset that is epoxied into my brain with super glue so strong nothing can shake it.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take.
E
Hello dear.
ReplyDeleteNot much I can say will help you feel better right now, I know. I do know what you are feeling though. When I went through it I got a dog. He still likes sleeping on my lap (even though he's three times the size of it and slips off) because I was so lonely I would just cuddle him all the time, like a baby - that touch thing.
I don't understand why we go through seasons where no-one seems to want to know about us. Like if we dropped off the planet it would have very little impact on everyone except our family.
In the meantime, get yourself some great books (literature), do some writing, something creative. Do all the things loners do well. May as well make the most of the season! Believe me it will be over one day.
Cathy, I for sure have thought of getting a dog. If I didn't think I'd be possibly be gone or traveling so much, I would have gotten one a year ago! You never know, maybe I'll get one after all.
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head, though....feeling like if I just disappeared if anyone would notice other than my job....it's going on minimum of two years with this "season," maybe more.
The thing is, the thoughts of there being something wrong with me are hard to battle on a good day....then you throw in how often I am forgotten or overlooked....it's hard not to feel as though that were some sort of proof or evidence that this is the truth.
Thanks for your encouragement!
Erin
I totally get it, Erin. Praying for you!!
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