Tuesday, December 13, 2005

In the Jungle

The mighty jungle, the Lion and the Witch and the Wardrobe sleep tonight!

Still feeling a little melancholy today. Still in the process of figuring out why. I had a good weekend last weekend. I went to my friend Jackie's birthday party at The Ram and then went to see "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" (HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and then Saturday I met with my friend Erika to pray through some stuff about a preschool we are looking into starting. Then, I took the afternoon and evening off from any activity and just had some alone time. I felt fine on Saturday, but had a meeting Sunday morning that I think was the start of the re-emergance of my malaise.

I am now being discipled again. The woman who is discipling me is also discipling a large group of us and we met on Sunday morning. In fact, all of the women at the church who have been in leadership, but have not been discipled are now being discipled again by various women in the church. It isn't that I am being discipled that bugs me, nor is it the woman who is in charge of my group. I think what bothers me is our church's tendancy to categorize women and put them into groups based on opinions of them or where others think they are at in their walk with the Lord/freedom. We talk and talk at our church about the Lord being the one to elevate and promote people and how everyone is important yadda yadda yadda. Yet, if we really look at it, it is the same people who get promoted and elevated in our church time and time again. It really annoys me. Do I have to be in charge of some huge ministry to be considered "important" in our church? That is how it feels. The same women get put together and picked for things. It makes me feel like I have to prove myself, and yet that goes against all biblical teaching, I have to prove myself to no man. Is it those who announce and shout about their accomplishments that get the most notice? Is that really what they expect me to do?

I think what irritates me even more than all of that, is how important it still is to me to BE noticed. It bothers me that I still value the opinions of the leadership in our church more than I value what the Lord sees in all that I do. Otherwise I do what I do for the praise of man instead of the praises from my King. Why should it matter what group I am in? Or whether it is noticed what I do? I think I just get tired of hearing about how I am messing up all the time. That is what it feels like, anyway, about how I am continuing to fall short. Anyone else see some fear of failure/feeling like a failure in here??

Then, yesterday, I felt like I needed a mental health day off from work. And so, I took one. But spent the whole day feeling guilty about not being at work and feeling guilty about all the things I should have been doing with my time. I didn't call anyone, I didn't clean any part of the house, I didn't do any errands that are on my list to do. I just took a day off. And, I felt horrible about my laziness and sloth. I also started feeling guilty for taking time to myself on Saturday, and like I should have gone to at least one of the parties I was invited to. If I am really honest, I am feeling guilty about the time I had on Sunday with one of my small group girls, like I didn't give enough to her too.

And so, I walked into work today feeling like I should have been here yesterday, and feeling guilty because work had to be shifted around to accomodate my day off (though I am the main one affected by this). Feeling guilty and like a failure about most other areas of my life as well.

And so, that is the struggle. Feeling guilty, not convicted, over my failures, whether real or perceived. Honestly there is also anger in there at leadership of church for the small group I am in. I am just full of my sin today.

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