Monday, October 17, 2005

The Best Laid Plans....

Well, all my plans for a fun weekend down in P-town never materialized. I ended up coming down with a cold. I probably would have been OK to go, had I not had to work Sat. morning. I got home from teaching my class and just crashed. I mean, I don't think I moved from the couch for a good five hours. Most of that time spent dozing off and on, petting Licorice, my kitty, and watching TV. I did get some things taken care of....small kitchen cart that needed to be put together finally got done, went grocery shopping, did a ton of laundry (missed laundry day last week so I had two week's worth), and "swiffered" the hardwood floors.

Sunday didn't start off much better...out on the couch. However, the day did improve as I got a call from my co-worker, Sally, who had just dug up some Calla Lillies and Crocosmia bulbs and wanted to know if I wanted them. I did, and so I ended up working out in the yard for about an hour planting bulbs. Mistake. By the time I got back inside, I was so wiped out that I crashed again. I ended up missing church last night, but got to bed early. I think I did too much this weekend though, as I am still feeling poorly today. Yet, here I am at work. Que cera!

Had a good weigh-in on Sat. And, as expected, was down some more lbs. I am nearing the 15 pound mark for total weight. I was talking to my friend Tiffani this weekend about it, as she was being so encouraging. And, I realized, how much people withold from each other. I mean, don't get me wrong, people around me are supportive, but it is just nice to hear some REAL encouragement and someone who is REALLY excited for me. Someone who isn't just giving me platitudes, but really and truly is excited for me. And, I think, no, I KNOW I do the same thing. We get so complacent in our encouragement of one another, or when we do encourage, it ends up being lip service. And so, I was convicted too, of how insincere I can be in my blessings of others. I need to say more than just "good job" or "way to go." I need to be specific and direct in what I say to others.

I have also had some more breakthrough in fear. I had my pastor say to me a few weeks ago randomly as I was talking to someone up front: "Do we have plans for you!! And, you can't say 'NO.'" I got home and told my roomie Sara about it and we were speculating what those "plans" are. All of a sudden she sits up and says "He's going to have you go to London for the school!" (Our church and our partner churches in London in conjunction with the YWAM headquarters are setting up a school for people to come and learn about freedom). At the thought of having to up and move and sell everything and leave, I started to freak out. Literally. At the prospect of having to give up my nice, comforatable, quiet little world, I freaked out. I was pretty surprised by my reaction. I mean, hasn't this been the exact thing that I have been praying and secretly desiring to happen: to fully move into my calling as a lifestyle, and not just a week here or a week there? However, the reality of it hit me pretty hard: I like being comfortable and safe. But, the truth is, didn't Jesus ask his disciples (and others) to sell and/or give up everything to follow Him? Isn't that exactly what I might be being asked to do? Give up everything to follow Him? On paper it has always seemed like it would be a no-brainer. But, when reality hit, I was faced with my fears smack in the nose: I am terrified.

Now, the truth of the matter is that I have no idea what Brian meant by those words. It very well could be something much less drastic than moving to London. And, so I think in the Lord's grace, I am able to work through the fear associated with change and such a grand scale, that when it comes time for Brian to share what the heck he meant by that, I'll be ready to say without hesitation, "here I am, send me." I think I would have gotten there anyway, but it is kind of nice to have started to work through some of those fears in a real way ahead of time. Don't get me wrong, the thought of leaving everything still terrifies me, but at least I know that the fear is there. And, it cannot stay.

Fear is such an interesting lie, because it really can creep into just about any area of life. I have even been realizing how afraid of being in a relationship I am. And, what I am afraid of is someone knowing me so intimately, that they see all of my warts. My fear of failure runs so deep, that I don't even want people to know the depths of my sin. I would rather hide when I struggle. I would rather already know what I struggle with, rather than having someone point out to me where I am sinning. But, I know that in a relationship, you cannot hide, and things that were inside of you (both good and bad) have no choice but to surface. And, that terrifies me as well.

Jesus, today I need you to come and break me of this fear. I confess that I am afraid of failing and afraid of giving up my comforts and following You. That is sin, and I see it as such. Please forgive me for my fear. And in the name of Jesus all fear in my life, be gone! Fear is a lie, because Jesus' perfect love drives out fear, and fear has to do with punishment, and you are not a God who punishes but has good things. And so, I chose today to believe those truths and stand firm on the Word of God as the only source of truth. Amen

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