I am feeling like a house of cards today. One strong gust of wind will just blow me over.
I am feeling sorry for myself today, and there is no getting around the fact that this is exactly what it is. I am struggling with friends. Or, rather, my lack of them. Seriously. I looked around at church last night and I thought to myself, "Now if I was seriously struggling right now, who would I go to for help?" And, I could think of no one. Seriously, not one person.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I have "friends" here in Tacoma. But not FRIENDS. You know, the kind where you can count on them to want to hang out with you, even when what you are doing is just that: hanging out. The kind where you know you have plans on weekends because you ALWAYS have plans with them on weekends. Or, if you don't have plans, you are at least in contact with them throughout the week either by phone or email or at church or wherever you see them they are the ones you gravitate to. It is just a given that you'll be with them because you just always are. I feel like the friends I do have here I have to work to make time with them. Friendship is work sometimes, but more of the time it is not. I mean think about those people you would call close friends....does time with them seem like work?
I don't think I am comunicating very clearly here. I recognize that friendships take work. I know that when people get married and have families it takes even more work. I also know that a lot of people do not have the kind of close friendships I am talking about. However, I am not married, and I DO need those kinds of friends. The Bible is clear about what happens when we are alone and isolated. And, even when I am married, I still want to have women to walk beside me. I can't depend on my husband for everything, that isn't fair to him and isn't the right thing anyway.
Yet, as I look at my life I think to myself that if I were to get married today, who would be my bridesmaids? Who would stand beside me as I make the second biggest committment of my life? I can only think of one or two people at this point, and that saddens me. I see that though I am busy, I am busy with people that I am pouring into (which is a good thing, don't get me wrong)....who pours into me in times of my need? Even Billy Graham has a group of men he is accountable to.
I seem to be a lot like my parents. One of them is great at making friends; is gregarious and outgoing and in fact has a ton of friends, but struggles to go deeper with them. The other is scared to death of being rejected and hurt, and so does not make friends at all. I see aspects of both in myself.
And so, I just don't know what to do with myself. Humans have a tendancy to become clique-ish. I see it at my church. There are lots of little friendship groups, but they are already established and with a history and hard to break into. I have none, no group, no one. Would anyone miss me if I were gone? I mean, yes, my small group would miss me, and women I minister to would miss me, but there are plenty of leaders to fill in my spot. What I mean is, would anyone miss ME just for myself. Just because of who I am. I sometimes wonder.