Wednesday, July 27, 2005

A stronghold to start with

I just need to write to a friendly "face" today. I am feeling bummed out today, and I just need to write to someone who loves me, as I am feeling unlovable right now. I am having what I will describe as a "hormonal" day today, though I can't exactly tell you what it is about the day that makes me say that other than it's a good description, and I am just feeling sad. It seems the same old stuff, but I am ready to just explode with it today
Just feeling disappointed and discontent with life right now, and for no real good reason. Seems I am taking two steps forward and five steps back with this same battle for the last two plus years, and I am tired of it. I just can't seem to find joy in anything right now, or really even long term for that matter. I have times of joy that only seem to puncutate loooong stretches of unhappiness. And I see how this makes me turn to things to make me feel better, but not much is making me feel "better" these days, and I just want to quit everything.
Things are going so good right church building, fine job, great family, heading off to London, etc. etc. etc. I can list for you everything I should be feeling great about, except I don't feel great about anything, even the stuff I should be excited about. I am getting desperate and tired of this, which is probably exactly where I am supposed to be with this, except all I can see is how I am failing. WHY does this stronghold seem to be so much bigger than me? I know it's not, but breakthrough seems so elusive and just out of reach. Close enough that I can see it, but not actually here. What is it going to take to see this thing through to the end?
And, I am questioning my faith right now. I mean, I know I believe, but am I really saved if I haven't completely surrendered everything to Him?? I mean, I know salvation can't be taken away, but I just know there is MORE!! But it feels so elusive right now. The level of unbelief in my heart is so high that I could choke with it. I am NOT sold out, not the way I should be, or rather could be, and it boils down to not really trusting in the Lord myself! I want out of this rut so bad I could scream, except what I really want to do is cry because I can see what the Lord does through those who totally surrender to Him, but what stops me? I can't seem to see anything but how hurt, and disappointed, and angry I am, and I think bitterness has arisen in my heart, and what right do I have to that? I have GOT to get this wall between the Lord and I broken down and have the joy and peace restored to me that is being robbed. I think I understand how Naomi felt when she changed her name to Mara. I feel forsaken and forgotten about and withheld from even when I know it is what is best for me. I have GOT to reconcile the truth in my head with what I am feeling in my heart.
Pray for me. I have been down this road before, and turned around when I felt it was too hard, and I just want to keep walking this time. I mean, I know work was done, and the path was cleared a little each time I have been down here before, but I want it all taken care of.

No comments:

Post a Comment