Sunday, January 17, 2010
Pick Me, Pick Me
When I was in elementary school, our Physical Education teacher would sometimes make life a little easier on himself by letting us pick our own teams. He would typically pick a captain for each team and then let the captains alternate picking a single member of the class for his or her team. I was never picked last for these teams, because I was always pretty good at any sport I tried. I know for a lot of people, though, these are the kinds of childhood memories that can be an injustice.
I feel lately as though I am living this injustice in a more adult sense of this word.
I am struggling with single-ness lately. Actually, more acurately, I ALWAYS struggle with being single, but most of the time I can shove the feelings down to some far recesses of my heart never to be acknowledged. Somehow this covering over enables me a small thread of control over the loneliness that can threaten to overwhelm me.
Other times, no rug would be big enough to sweep the feelings of longing under. In those moments I feel so much like a little child in elementary school whispering to herself: "pick me."
I have had a more extended period of single-ness than most people. I have had well-meaning friends offer encouragement about embracing singleness and how being married is "hard work" or some other platitude about being able to give my life away fully. All of those things *are* true. But, ask each and every one if they would trade places with me and go back to being single or pick being married, and to a person they all say they would never pick single-ness again.
So I find myself still single. It is really hard not to feel overlooked, or more at least, the last one in class left waiting to be picked, and with me, it inevitably leads to the thought of "what is wrong with me?" Today is one of those days and I am not sure what to do with myself when the longings of my heart threaten to spill over and my thread of self-control is ready to snap.