Tuesday, January 19, 2010
More Than Enough?
In all of my blogging I have always strived to do my best to be as honest as possible in a forum that is so public. On my blog you get my random thoughts on life, the church, culture, and updates on me and my life (which I find incredibly ironic since some of my posts are about how life needs to be LESS about me).
Sometimes I use my blog as a space to just put out on "paper" the thoughts tumbling around my head so as not to go insane. Blogging is like an overflow valve on a propane tank for me in this way. Sometimes I post pictures and updates on my life in general about things like my family or my job.
In all of my posting, I have done my best to be real. And so the real me just needs to be real again. Warning: this is going to be a post that will come across as a bit, ummm, whiney at best. Read on at your own risk.
I am struggling with my single-ness.
This is not a shock, probably, based on my last post. But, I need to post about this again.
I hear people say a few things about finding a mate: "If you would just quit looking, then it will come when you least expect it." "If you just put Jesus first in your life, then it will happen."
I think the main problem with these is the "If....then..." correlation that is made. IF I do something THEN it will happen. Really? Is this true? Does that mean that *I* have something to do with this? And if that is the case, since it's not happened, does that mean that *I* have done something wrong? Am I not not looking hard enough? Am I not putting Jesus first enough? Is there *really* something I should be doing better/right to have the desires of my heart granted to me?
Sometimes I also wonder if I have a metaphorical booger on my face and no one is telling me it's there. I already have a few "strikes" against me in this culture that celebrates and elevates the tall, thin, young, blonde model as the epitome of beauty. In that list I can only check off the blonde box. There is a real part of me that wonders what about a short, slightly chubby, older-ish woman has to attract someone. Is there something else that I am doing wrong with my behavior that no one is telling me about? You know, like socially awkward people frequently are the last to know that they're socially awkward! Throw in my Jesus-freakishness and suddenly the field of potential suitors is narrowed even further.
I sometimes feel guilty that I even *want* to be married as much as I do. I sing songs at church with words like, "You are more than enough..." or "You're my portion..." or "You're my everything...." and I feel like a hypocrite. I wonder at times at why Jesus ISN'T enough, or at least I wouldn't long to be married so much if He WAS enough. I have actually gone through seasons of refusing to ask for this one thing because I've felt as though I don't deserve it because of this, even though the Bible says we have not because we ask not.
Yet at the same time my head (not my heart) knows that we were created to be in relationships. Not just in a romantic way, but also in friendship. It's a dichotomy that I have not been able to reconcile; the need for each other as well as the Lord.
So my dear 8 or so readers, I don't have any answers to my questions. If any of you have any thoughts or insite, I'd love to hear them. At the very least, if you are the praying type, I'd love for you to send one or two my way.