Friday, April 09, 2010

Twos and Threes

I am generally a pretty even-keeled kind of gal.  It takes a lot for me to get angry and I am generally pretty happy-go-lucky.  On my roughest days I tend more towards becoming quiet and introspective rather than outwardly angry or irritable.  The last few days for me have been uncharacteristically moody for me.

Usually I can chalk one day of feeling this way up to lack of sleep or not feeling well.  Both of these things were true earlier in the week.  However, the black cloud hanging over me has not lifted in three days now.

This should be a joyful time for me.  I just got great news about my house, my favorite season-spring-is here, I'm leaving for Turkey in a little over a week, I just found out I got a raise at work, my sister-in-law is about to give birth to my second nephew....but I am not joyful. Something just feels "off" to me right now.

I know that anger is a secondary emotion and that it's rooted in something else.  I know part of it is that I am a bit disappointed that the next season in my life is one where I am going to be venturing out on my own.  There is a real part of my heart that is still grieving over the fact that no matter what happens this September, I am being asked to do it by myself.  I know that wherever I go, there will be people there.  I won't be completely alone.  But, honestly, I have always hoped that someday when I was sent out, it would at least be with a friend. 

There are a lot of men and women who have gone before alone.  I wrote a post about this last August.  I don't know how they did it.  I think I have felt alone for so much of my life that the thought of being even *more* alone is almost physically painful. 

I think about Katie, the 21 year old in Uganda and I don't know how she does it.  I think about my friend Pete in Tokyo and I don't know how he does it.  I think about my friend Miki, virually alone in Japan, and I don't know how she does it.  And there are others I am sure I am leaving out.  How is it that these people and many others seem to be able to make a go of it alone, while I, who have been nothing but alone can't seem to get over this to feel joy?

I don't want to go alone.  Yet, the reality that I am probably going to go alone is becoming more and more tangible to me.  I think this is why I am on some days reluctant to leave....being as lonely as I have been these last few years, at least I have had housemates and family and co-workers.  I have hardly had a friend, but there have been enough moments of fellowship to keep me from going totally insane. 

Jesus sent His disciples out in twos and threes (Mark 6).  Ecclesiastes talks about a three-chord strand not easily broken.  The very trinity itself speaks to relationship.

There is a lot of emotion here, as I wrestle over the fact that the loneliness I have been living in for the last few years is not ending but quite likely going to continue.



  1. I can totally relate, Erin, and I'm not even overseas! LOL. Since 2003 the Lord continually sends me to places where I don't know anyone, and often don't know what I'm doing.

    Los Angeles was the epitome of that for me. A new place (again), new people (again), a city where you could easily be lost among all the other people (this was new and worse) and the grief of losing my grampa. I was a wreck (as you know).

    I never dreamed I would be approaching my 20yr high school reunion as single as the day is long, no kids or family to show for it. I didn't imagine that I would have to work to create community everywhere I went - I thought community would come with me.

    But I have been blessed by the Lord's continual provision of other believers. Blessed by his provision of friends who are authentic. Blessed by his giving me courage to step out into the unknown.

    You have a pioneer spirit, too, Erin and although you are not going with a person, you aren't going alone. God has promised to you (and to me) that he will send an angel ahead of us to guard us, that he will never leave us. I know its not the same as having your friend sitting next to you on the plane - but I also know that cultivating this friendship with God has never been so important in my life as in the last 18+ months.

    Thus ends my random ramblings. Praying for you!

  2. It's so true Tiff, which is why so many of my blog posts have been a bit "bi-polar" lately. The journey into believing the truth, which you so elloquently put, has been a bumpy one, and I have not arrived at a place of peace with it yet. So, on the one hand I while I know the truth in my head, it has yet to fully penetrate my heart. Or, rather it penetrates it on some days (those are the joyful, excited posts) and not on others (when you get angry, disappointed posts like this one).

    I am grateful that the Lord's mercies are new every morning and He isn't fed up with where I am in my faith right now.

    Love you friend!