Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Split Personality?

There lives within me two people. Many times they are at war with each other.

On the one hand there is the person who is screaming at this normal, mundane life and longing for a change. This person longs to make a difference in this world. This person longs to have the life-changing, supernatural impact on people's lives like Amy Carmichael, Aimee Semple McPherson, or Elisabeth Elliott. I do not seek the fame that they had, but I admire the single-minded focus that these women had to give their lives away in a radical way. I am sure there are other men and women like this whom we have never heard of, but who are earning crowns in heaven and will be celebrated there perhaps more than any of the people I just mentioned.

I have this radical, sold-out, restorer, deliverer, teacher, healer, crazy for Jesus woman living in me clawing and rattling inside of me desperate to get out. She is dying for a change. She is dying to just huck it all and move away to some far off place and just go for it.

Yet, I am not doing any of that. The reason I am not is because also living inside of me is this woman who is afraid. She is afraid of the cost. She is afraid of what it would mean to be this other person. She is the one who wants to have the house with 2.6 kids, a dog and a white picket fence. She is the one who is afraid of the friends and things she would (and has already) lose to be that sold-out. Right now, she is the one winning.

Yet, I cannot seem to put a lid on this other woman. No matter how hard I try to squash her, she is like a volcano bubbling away inside of me. I suspect the dormancy can only last for so long before it must bust forth and consume everything in its path.


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