There seems to be a recurring battle that I am fighting. This battle is over my identity. While I am fully pleasing to the Lord, He is also in the process of sanctifying me to be more like Him. I am uncertain how to live with both of these truths in place simultaneously.
I know for me, it is easier to fall more into the "something needs to be fixed" camp. There is ample evidence for it, in my mind. Most of this evidence comes from my continual struggle with relationships.
There is a line from a the movie Shall We Dance that I love, "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.'"
This quote resonates with me in so many ways. On days, weeks, or months when I feel I am forgettable, it would just be nice to have someone around to say, "You are not forgettable. I see you, I notice you, and not only are you so unforgettable, I chose to bind my life to you so that I won't miss a single part of it. Yes it will be a fight sometimes and there will be days I won't want to be there, but you are worth it." A witness, any witness, to my life would do just fine, thank you very much.
I don't have that, though. I don't have that with a husband, and there are few friends that fall into this category either. Immediately my mind goes to the figuring out why. My rational, scientific brain kicks in and I think: "There must be a reason." The nit-picking and self-analyzing begins and I begin collecting my evidence:
1. I am the common denominator in all my relationships.
2. Yes, everyone has their "issues" and the Lord is sanctifying all of us, but others can build and maintain relationships in spite of their own baggage. My baggage must be pretty bad if no one can see beyond it to the person inside and determine that I am worth fighting for.
3. Most of the time I am not outright rejected, but I am still unintentionally overlooked or forgotten (If I had a $1 for every time someone said to me after my Europe trip 'Oh, you're back!' even though I had been back for weeks or months, I would have a good chunk of change.). I am not deliberately rejected, but I am also not memorable or important enough to remember either.
It is so easy for me to conclude that there is still so much wrong with me. I mean, that seems to be the only "logical" conclusion. Yet I also know that I AM fully pleasing to the Lord and He loves me right where I am. I just cannot seem to wrap my head around that truth.
I hate this naval-gazing. I just so desperately long for a full breakthrough in this and I am not sure how to get it. It's certainly not more revelation of the issues. Perhaps an application of truth?
Maybe, just maybe the answer is that I need a miracle.