It is always a marvel to me how circumstances in life can be such a mix of pain and pleasure. I have heard once that the particular area of the brain that houses pain receptors is thisclose to the part the has pleasure receptors too. I know that this is referring to physical pain/pleasure, but I think there is a spiritual context here too.
I have now been officially asked to come and work for the church. I have not given my answer yet (so no spilling the beans any New Song readers), as I am to meet with our Associate Pastor, Chris, later this week to discuss some things. But, I am almost certain my answer will be "yes." So, the "pleasure" part of this is that I will be able to more greatly pursue a part of my heart's passion and move into a deeper work of my calling that has seemed so far out of reach until now. I will get to help see our ministry spread more globally and more locally. I will be on the front lines of all that the Lord is doing in our midst. I am incredibly blessed and excited to do so and more than a wee bit scared, but that is a subject for a different post.
The pain part comes in, and really, I have been teary all day about it, because the talk has been about me starting in April. That means leaving the kids at the school soon, like my last day being right before I leave for Korea. That means not seeing the school actually become a school and being a part of the kid's lives any more. That tears my heart up just a bit. I have fallen in love with those kids and I just can't seem to think of leaving them. How my heart has changed in the last six months!!
One of the things the Lord has said about me is that I have an ability to be a "foundation layer." I can go into a place/situation/etc. and lay a solid foundation so that others can build off of what I have done and then I can move on to the next thing.
The deal is that this is the first thing that I have actually done that with and leaving the school in its "infancy" is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I feel similar to someone who is handing their child off to someone else to raise. Not that I can even begin to comprehend the pain of that, but that is what I liken it to.
The same goes for my job at Harborview. I am JUST starting to feel like I have my feet under me as far as what I am doing and getting things straightened out, and to think about leaving pains me a bit. Will the new person do XYZ right? Will they be able to handle ___? Will they have the right vision for the job etc.?
Now all of this is simply me stressing and worrying right now. I just want to do the right thing, and if that means leaving those things for the next thing, I will do it with joy. I am being called right now to exercise my trust in the Lord that He has all of my questions answered and all of the things I am thinking about under control. That feels good to know. I trust Him completely....look how things have turned out since London? How hard that was yet the bounty of fruit in my life that has happened by my obedience. So, I know as long as my heart is to obey, things will be fine.
I am just a little sad today, and I am certain that is OK. Ecclesiastes talks about there being a time to mourn, and I am mourning a bit today.