Monday, August 28, 2006

An Update: The sky is NOT falling

It might appear from my last post that the sky is falling, oh chicken little. Alas, that is not the case. I have not contracted some terminal illness, financial disaster has not overtaken me, and nor has there been any family crisis that might keep me here. I will try to explain as best I can, but please know that if this post seems to be missing some details, it is because I am not feeling like there are aspects of this that I can write about yet with even a shred of purity of heart.

"Reader's Digest" version: church leadership feels that the time is not right for me to be leaving long-term for London with where things are at regarding the preschool.

Now, knowing that this was a possibility all along, you might be wondering why I reacted so strongly to this directive. The answer is simple: I believed I was hearing the exact opposite, felt that this had been confirmed through numerous others and circumstances. To me, being released from the obligation to the preschool really just felt like a matter of "when" not "if." That is how confident I was that I was being led by the Lord to go. It simply never crossed my mind that the answer would be anything other than: "go." Or, if it had, it was only a fleeting thought.

So, this felt like a bombshell to me. I was, as I wrote in the last post, devastated. Even if I wanted to rebel against the desires of my church, no one at ChristChurch would have me under those circumstances. *I* wouldn't want to *go* to a church that would have me under those circumstances. You know?

A lot of things have come up: it all "looks" like anger and rage, but at the heart of it is my hurt and disappointment at the Lord that I am not going. Because, since He is sovereign, if He *really* wanted me in London now, I'd be going. And so, I am angry at the Lord. A lot of old lies about His character and His plans for me and my future are surfacing, and they cause anger. Have I mentioned how angry I am? So angry that I don't even want to pray and confess. I know it's there, I know it's wrong and I flat out don't care. It feels good to be angry.

There is the blackness of my heart: I know the sin that is there, and I would rather hold on to it than confess it. Like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum, I feel I have the right to get my own way and be mad when I don't. I guess it is fitting, then, that that is the age of the kids I will be working with.
Erin

2 comments:

  1. I love you, dear honest friend. I love your transparency. I hope we get to talk soon. I am praying for you. Take your time on this one, Erin, on the healing part. Its a BIG deal and a big work, and you're not alone.

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  2. Well, I guess we can look at it this way. If you were a parent, and you said no to your child eating candy before dinner (delayed gratification), would you want your child to paste a plastic smile on his/her face with "thanks mom for saying no to my candy eating request," knowing all the time that he/she is actually upset. Or, would you want them to be honest with you, because that is the type of relationship you have with junior and you know that he/she will hopefully thank you later when they're teeth aren't rotted out ... okay so the illustration sounded better in my head than it does in print. But you get my point. Like Tiffany said, you're honest. To quote (in essence) Abraham Veridie (founder of the Nat'l Prayer Brkfst) it's usually the ugly qualities in a person that God can use the most. How I don't know. So, keep up the temper tamtrums deary! God will use it for His good!

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