Just wanted to thank you to all the friends and family who have emailed me in light of recent events. It is comforting to know that in the midst of a hard time, that people care enough about you not to run away as so many do when there is little to say except that you are there for that person.
I continue to be more at peace with what has occurred. I have had some very key conversations and emails with people that have been so helpful in the "recovery" process that is happening.
I have a book by Philip Yancy title "Disappointment with God." I have read it a couple of times. It is really written for those disappointed with God over physical illness, but I think that really the feelings of being disappointed with Him can apply to so many other areas of life other than not being healed of something. I am thinking about re-reading it as it has been a long time since my last reading and I am sure I could glean some greater healing through the reading of it.
I do earnestly desire that the ultimate outcome of this internal struggle is that this leads me closer to the Lord in intimacy rather than further away. I can literally feel how this whole incident could so easily lead me to become numb and lukewarm. I mean, I think I am mature enough in my faith to not remain angry, but I don't want it to fade into a numbness.
Sometimes I feel like Job....who am I to question God? But, what I do know is that my situation is nothing like Job's, and what could come from this is that I gain authority and understanding about what hurting is all about and how to continue to love the Lord in spite of pain and suffering. That would be the best outcome of all.
I am also recognizing some of my own feelings of insignificance. When people say to me "no one could do what you do in Tacoma." My first thought is not to believe it. I literally think "what I do is not that important. Anyone could do what I do." And then I realize how 'important' I feel in London (which seems strange considering how small Tacoma is compared to London) having to do with my 'standing' in the eyes of the church. In Tacoma I feel like one of many and at ChristChurch I feel important. Jesus' Ministry teachings are newer to London, and having been a part of the teachings here in Tacoma for so long, I am somewhat of an 'expert' in London. And, that is not good. I need to see my apart from what I do, which is always a big battle for me.
At any rate, there is healing. There is more to come, but I am having revelation. Much of what I am struggling with has probably been buried under the surface for a while, and has just taken this to shake it up. Keep praying for me in this time. I covet your prayers.
PS "retirement" from my old job is fabulous. I have been catching up on sleep and working on Preschool stuff too.