Blind Deer

There is a camp game we play at the zoo called "Blind Deer."

In this game there are several people who are "it." They are blindfolded and put on the perimeter of the area you are playing in and stand so that their feet are about 8-10 inches apart. On the floor between their feet you put something that the other "deer" must collect, like a rock or baseball. The trick is for the deer to collect their item from between the feet of those who are "it" without being heard. If the blindfolded players hear someone and points to them, the players must switch places.

The blindfolded group must rely heavily on their sense of hearing to catch the other "deer" in this game.

Genesis 18:10-19 (emphasis mine)

Then the LORD said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son."

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my husband is old, will I now have this pleasure?"

Then the LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' Is anything too hard for the LORD ? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."

When the men got up to leave, they looked down toward Sodom, and Abraham walked along with them to see them on their way. Then the LORD said, "Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do? Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him. For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."

Sarah and Abraham had a promise and God had a plan. The Lord himself showed up to deliver the promise to them and reveal His plans to them. Clearly their sense of hearing was not an issue here. Yet Sarah laughs and at some point she and Abraham decide that Hagar, Sarah's maidservant, is really the one who is to bear Abraham's child. Isaac was promised, but Ishmael was what came from Abraham and Hagar. (Note that God's promise was actually specifically for Sarah and Abraham, NOT just Abraham.)

It is clear what happens when we have a lack of faith and try to make things happen our way: Ishmael became the father of the Arab world and mortal enemies of decendants of Abraham even to this day.

Sometimes I think how nice it would be to have God show up at my house and deliver His plans and promises to me in such a clear and focused way. Life is probably more like the blindfolded player in "Blind Deer." I am straining my ear to hear the direction of a noise and hoping I am hearing right, but I am still blindfolded in many ways. (By the way, this is why it's called FAITH...believing what you cannot see.)

I live in a community of Believers who have our ears attuned to listen for the Lord's voice. I myself am straining my ear for Him to speak. Yet even when I do hear something, I still often laugh in dis-belief (or cry in hopelessness that it will ever happen). Sometimes I even try to make it happen my way, like Sarah and Hagar.

I have some "as clear as a blindfolded deer can hear" promises from the Lord, and my belief for them is a bit shakey right now. Do I believe in spite of circumstances or do I laugh? Do I trust that they will happen even if I do something dumb like send a maidservant into my husband? Do I move confidently, even if I might be hearing wrong?

What I don't want to do is worship those promises so much that I try to make them happen my way or to be so unsure of what I hear that I am afraid to go the direction I am hearing like a blindfolded deer. I want to believe, not doubt and be able to say, "God said it, that settles it."

I need my eyes focuse on the One who gave the promises and let Him be the one to make it happen and know that the answer to the question: "Is there anything too big for the LORD?" is NO!

Blessings,
Erin

Hong Kong Highlights Part 3: Prophecy

You know the spirit of God is moving when the prophetic pours out like a rainy Washington winter: unrelenting, and overtaking everything.

A few of my highlights from the Hong Kong trip occurred outside of conference hours. I actually attended only bits and pieces of the actual conference due to the role my church had in this conference to serve, which we definately got to do in abundance. My primary role was the first three days of registering and checking people into the conference as well as other administrative duties after that. I did get a chance to meet many people this way, though the Chinese delegates were only able to register using a number rather than a name so as not to get into trouble with the authorities. Didn't I say their faith was humbling?

There were a few key meetings with folks that occurred outside of conference hours that were truly epic.

One of these meetings was with the Frontier Missions Leader. I won't include his name, to protect his privacy....I'll just call him Mohinder (shout out to all the "Heroes" fans out there). :-)

Mohinder was invited to one of our group meetings during the conference. Earlier in the day, I had met him briefly at our Call2All Cairo meeting and after that he'd gone on to another meeting with some of the rest of our team. It was during this next meeting that Mohinder began prophesying over some of the team members. It was so accurate that he was invited to pray for all of us.

He started the evening by prophesying some stuff for our body as a whole, and then was invited to pray for anyone who might want it. About 25 of us stayed behind to get prayer. Mohinder, got through aobut half of us before ending things for the evening. I was not one of the ones he prayed for.

About an hour later, I was sitting in the conference's large-group session and I looked over to see him walking purposefully towards me.

"You are awesome," he said to me.

Thinking he was just complimenting me, I replied with a sincere, "Thank you!"

To which he responded, "I don't think you understand, I have a word for you."

He then began to speak to my heart and its capacity for love...he called it a Mother's heart...and had talked about how when he saw me, the Lord showed him my heart, and how big it was and how much I loved others and the Lord. He called me a "giant of the faith."

I just melted. I posted a few weeks ago about not wanted to become bitter and hard, and here this man was speaking to that very thing without knowing me at all. I wept as he spoke to the tender places in my heart. I felt like it was God's way of saying "What are you doing on the ground like a dog? Don't you see, I have set a place for you at my banqueting table! Come, eat!" It was restoring in a way I had not expected.

The next morning our team had the opportunity to meet Cindy Jacobs. She's the author of books like "Possessing the Gates of the Enemy" and "Reformation Manifesto." If you look up her prophetic words, her detail is astounding.

She had, much like Mohinder, words for our body, and then she called the women of the church up and prayed for each of us.

I can't remember what she said for each lady, but when she came to me she said "Intercessor" and then embraced me. She only embraced two or three of us...so I am uncertain as to the symbolism/reason for this.

I have to admit, especially in light of her pinpoint accuracy, that her word for me has me a bit discombobulated.

I have never thought of myself as an intercessor. Typically when I think of this word, I think of old women in a room somewhere or alone praying. I have always been way too much of a "people person" for this to sound interesting to me.

I think, however, that I have to get the old version of what this means out of my head and let the Lord paint a new one....intercession that looks different for me than what it has looked like in the past.

Because of Mohinder's word for about my heart, I wonder if there is not a merging of these two words that needs to happen...if I have the Lord's heartbeat for a situation, it makes my prayers about that situation specific and with revelation. Then, I can accurately pray for things.

It is still always so amazing to me when the Lord speaks with the kind of clarity that he did this last week.

The Lord had to get me 1/3 of the way around the world to tell me what He wanted me to hear, but I was listening.

Blessings,
Erin

Hong Kong Highlights Part 2: Humility

Somewhere in China there is a man or woman who is without a refridgerator.

Imagine for a moment life without a fridge.

Yet, there is a person in China who sold their refridgerator to make it to the Call2All conference.

They sold their fridge.

This is just an example of the radical faith that these Chinese men and women have. While the religious tolerance level in China has dramatically improved, most of these men and women have lived through a time when that was not the case. Most of these amazing Christians have come to the Lord in an atmosphere that most of us would crumble under.

At one point during the first night of the conference I went over to the side of the auditorium that the Chinese delegates were sitting on and just stood there.

Immediately in my spirit I heard, "Do you see these men and women? Do you see how they have suffered? Do you see their faith? Do you see their humility? I have seen it, I have watched them and I am overwhelmingly proud."

It was clear that on my worst day in America, I still have it 20x better than most of these men and women. It was humbling.

Later that same night they encouraged everyone to pick a country on this giant map that was laid out on the ground. There was not enough room for everyone to be on a country, so I chose to stand off to the side.

The speaker then encouraged us to dance and worship just as those from that country would dance. I looked over and saw a woman in full Hawaiian dress and a couple of men from Tonga dancing on their islands.

I had a sudden vision of what worship around the throne would look like....not just every tongue, but also the diversity of dance. I was struck by the spirit in these men and women as well. While following the Lord is not as hard in Tonga as it is in China, it is still not exactly a spirit-filled nation and to watch these men doing traditional Tonga dancing while obviously worshiping the Lord struck me to my core. It was humbling.

The contrast throughout most of the conference between the Western church and everyone else was stark. We westerners sat on one side of the conference while the Chinese sat on the other. Now this is not unusual...people sit by those they are most like. It happens all the time. But, the attitude of knowing it all and "do it our way, we know best" was tangible. Even by our church. The divide was there, it was obvious and it was awful.

We did not even realize how much our pride and our "westernism" was there until Wednesday night, almost 3/4 of the way through the conference.

We were having a team meeting on Wednesday night before the large group session and Brian pointed it out to us. This was supposed to be a commissioning for the Chinese church and instead the Western church's spirit of dominance and control was taking over. We were not excluded from this. He encouraged us to intentionally bridge the gap between the Chinese side and the western side and ask for the Chinese men and women to pray for us and ask the Lord for a dose of their humility.

Suddenly, Dan, one of our team members brought three Chinese women up to the front of the group and Brian asked them to pray over us. It was like a wave of repentance hit our group and as one we hit our knees, weeping as they prayed over us.

Cries of "Get America out of us!" were heard across the group as these three women prayed fire over us. When they were done, most of the women hugged these three. I clung to one of the women, weeping with her.

I have no idea what they prayed, but just being in their presence was enough. It was humbling.

On Thursday morning of the conference I had a meeting with a couple of men from Call2All, a few members of our team and a couple of men from Egypt to plan the next Call2All conference.

I sat there at a table with these two Egyptian men as they talked about why we could not advertise the conference in their country and I was struck by the cost that they still pay to be a believer in the Muslim world.

One of the men is a leader of a group called "Frontier Missions." They are based out of Egypt. This is an organization that is not only full of Christians, their goal is to win the Middle East to Christ. The amount of faith and courage that this must take is overwhelming to me.

Yet he, and the other man we met with are full of the Holy Spirit, running hard after the Lord and serving their guts out. They could be killed for what they do.

The man in charge of Frontier Missions came one night and prayed and prophesied over our group and again, I was just struck by the faith of this man. It was humbling.

I think for me, that was the big take-away from this conference....the pride and arrogance that are in me and my lack of perspective on what it truly takes to follow Jesus in most of the world.

I am humbled.

Blessings,
Erin

Hong Kong Highlights Part 1: Provision

com⋅mis⋅sion (kuh-mish-uhn) verb: to authorize or send on a mission

I am just back from the Call2All Congress in Hong Kong where I got to witness the commissioning of over 1,000 Chinese delegates to reach the unreached in their own country as well as the countries on the old Silk Road Trading Route.

I have a lot of highlights of the week and a few of them I'll go into detail later, such as an amazing meeting with author Cindy Jacobs, being prophecied over by a man from Egypt with such accuracy that it's astounding, having three Chinese women pray for us while we wept with repentance at the arrogance of the Western church, watching people from every nation pray over and dance on a map of the world about half a football field in length and getting to see Hong Kong with all of its experience and people.

However, what I really want to share is the miraculous story of provision from my week.

The last year my job situation, like many in the US, has been difficult to say the least. When I got back from Europe about a year ago I did not have a job and had a hard time finding one until about September. The job I got in September, at the zoo, was cut in December due to budget cuts. I took a job with a non-profit oranization in January, but that job was cut to half time in March due to the economy, and then in April I found out that I would be losing it at the end of the month. Meanwhile, I had been doing limited part time work at the zoo again and at the end of April (JUST in time) found out that there was a full time job opening back there again. However my two moths of part time work took its toll and I have been perpetually one month behind on my mortgage for several months now.

When we got the invitation from Mark Anderson to go to Call2All, I had just started back at the zoo, but I really didn't have the money to go. I just *knew* I was supposed to go, though, so when I got home from meeting with him, I immediately bought my ticket, using my charge card, but not really knowing how I'd pay it off.

So, last week when I headed to Hong Kong, I still didn't know what was going to happen and did not have a lot of money to pay for food while gone.

I brought about $100 for food with me, but ran out of that by Wednesday night and didn't know how I'd get food on Thursay or Friday.

Here's where the miracle comes in. On Thursday afternoon, as I was getting off of the elevator, I mentioned that I had not eaten yet that day to a friend due to my money situation as she offered me an apple. Two women overheard this and insisted on giving me money. Between the two of them they gave me about $130! Then, later that afternoon a girl I had met a year ago in Herrnut Germany's YWAM base gave me another $100!

Obviously this was plenty of money for food! And I have some left over!

There is more.

When I got home, I had a huge envelope from my mortgage company. I cringed as I opened it because I was certain it was a letter and information from them about being late with my mortgage this month yet again. Insead, what was inside was my escrow reconciliation for the year.

Each year my mortgage company reviews how much they take out for taxes and insurance. If they've taken too much out for the year, they give a refund check for the total amount for the year that I've over-paid. If they have not taken out enough, they raise my mortgage payment for the upcoming year.

Last year, it turns out, I over paid by almost $1,600!! I arrived home to a refund check for this amount which is more than enough to catch me up for my mortgage! And, to top it off, my mortgage payments are going down by about $160 a month!

So, I come back from Hong Kong with more money than I left with AND my mortgage paid up to date!

I still do have my credit card to pay off the amount of my ticket, but I seriously cried when I got this check from my mortgage company.

What an amazing Lord we have!

Blessings,
Erin

Becoming Immune, Not Hardened

I am on a quest. I am on a quest to become immune to caring about what other people think of me. The trick is getting there without becoming hardened and bitter. This is trickier than you might think.

In the last year and a half or so, I have made some decisions that many people around me don't like. I have decided to stay committed to some things while more than half the people involved in those same things have decided to leave. I have based my decision to remain loyal completely and purely out of conviction that this is where the Lord is leading.

Those who decided to leave, I am certain, would say that they left based on the Lord's leading in their own lives. Not one person left as a direct result of me. Yet, for some reason, some people who have left have decided that this means we can no longer be friends; based on this one decision. I have not done nor said anything to anyone that would be a legitimate reason for de-friending me.

(As a side-note: it is amazing how being de-friended from someone on Facebook has just as much sting of rejection as being told straight to your face. Who ever would have thought a social-network site would have that kind of power?)

Some who have left have slandered and criticized on their way out. I have been caught up in the cross-hairs of some of the accusations thrown about.

In all of this I have done my best to treat everyone inovlved with the same love, honor, respect, kindness and compassion as I did before anyone ever decided to leave. I haven't done it perfectly, but I have tried. For the most part people have responded in kind, after perhaps an initial period of awkwardness while friendships are "renegotiated" in new settings or environments.

For some who have left, however, I have been completely and utterly rejected. I literally had someone who used to be a friend turn around and walk out of a store after seeing me there.

After almost a year and half of this, the sting of this has started to fade. I actually call this victory. I am learning to care more about what the Lord has to say about all of this and me than any person. Just because I am rejected by people, even people who were once close to me, does not mean I am rejected by the Lord.

This, to be quite honest, has been a hard lesson for an overcoming people-pleaser like me. It has been absolute death to me in my past to be rejected and scorned. I have in my past done almost everything possible to avoid this. So, to stand firm and tall and be able to declare that I am right with the one person it matters to and that is all that matters, is huge victory to me.

I am, however, noticing that the draw to become hardened and bitter is a strong one. The desire to swing in the complete opposite direction from where I have been and into bondage of another sort is one that I have to actively fight.

There are days when I succeed and I know the same loving, mother's heart, nurturing, kind woman who was always there remains. But, there are other days when I feel the numbness and hardness creep in around the edges of that same heart.

This is what I have to guard my heart from! It is the well-spring of life and I want to LIVE! I want to live a life ABUNDANT, not a life so fearful of rejection that it cannot be found beneath layers of protection and walls. I want my heart hidden in CHRIST so that anyone who wants to find it, must look to Him first.

Blessings,
Erin

Another Paul Washer Message

Here's another. Seriously these are all well worth the time to watch. I might just post the link to one that's an hour-long message he preached a few years ago. It made even me question whether I was really saved or not. Meanwhile, here's a shorter one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRQdn5c8tQ0
Blessings,
Erin

Paul Washer

I have recently, as in the last two months, discovered a preacher named Paul Washer. I could listen to him preach/teach forever.

Here's just one of his gems.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7UyZYpeReY

Taxes

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. "Drinks for the ten now cost just $80."

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were
unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percent, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Erin

The Loneliness of Leadership

There are days when the loneliness I carry with me most of the time is so tangibly physical that some medical researcher somewhere could probably find some sort of prescription to fight its symptoms.

I started this blog entry on Friday and continued it today (Monday). Yesterday (Sunday May 10) I witnessed the third of my most recent roommates get married, all within a year of each other. I am so incredibly happy for her. I have prayed with her through her own loneliness and hopelessness that it was an absolute joy to see her so happy and in love and loved right back. But there are honestly times when I begin to wonder when will it be my turn? Have I missed my opportunity?

I want to be married. There, it's out there, I've said it. But, that hasn't happened yet. The reality of my heart's desire is clashing with the reality of my life's circumstances right now. This clash surfaces in me a lot of feelings, of which loneliness is just the beginning. It is also prime opportunity for me to begin to feel disappointment and blame.

I was reading in Matthew 15 the story of a woman who approached Jesus and his disciples requesting healing for her daughter who is plagued by a demon. I feel like I can relate to this story on so many levels:

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession."

Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, "Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us."

He answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel."

The woman came and knelt before him. "Lord, help me!" she said.

He replied, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

There are many days that I feel like this woman. Instead of feasting at the Lord's banqueting table, instead of being one of his children I feel as though I am a Canaanite outsider waiting, like a dog, for a crumb to fall off of the master's table, for him to think of me after he's done taking care of those more important than me.

I know in my head that this is an absolute lie from the pits of hell. I know in my head that the Lord's heart for me is life and life abundant and that I am seated at the table with the father and not a dog searching for crumbs. When Jesus was speaking to this Canaanite woman, he was not saying that he would only help Jews (in fact, the fact that he does help her shows quite the opposite). He was not calling her a dog (he was actually using this as a metaphor). What he is saying is that the time for the message to spread beyond Israel had not come yet; that the Jews needed to hear the message first. But, this woman was persistent. She had huge faith and like many, would not give up until Jesus gave her what she needed. I have a lot to learn from this woman.

There is a disconnect between the knowledge of the truth of my position in Christ between my head and my heart. I feel like there is a block from this knowledge traveling the short distance from my head to my heart.

A lot of this boils down to old patterns of how I see the Father. Somehow I've forgotten that I am now adopted by Christ and no longer a slave (or dog) but a daughter. These old thought patterns are firmly rooted in my growing-up years and how I was given love/blessings/gifts as a child. I often was left feeling as though I were just short of being good enough, and praises and love were given many times as a reward for something I had done rather than just for being who I am.

This leaves my view of the Lord distorted too. It leaves me questioning: is he good? Is he pleased with me? Have I done something wrong? Do I have to earn his love? Does he have my best in mind? Is he a God who withholds?

Most of the time I can spew the answers to those questions out with the best of them. It's on the hard days when my eyes, circumstances and feelings tell me otherwise that the true beliefs of who God is and how he sees me that dwells inside my heart reveal themselves.

I know I get way better than crumbs and leftovers, but do I really *know* that? I mean *know* in my heart beyond just head knowledge.

So I am crying out for the Lord to have mercy on me and praying he meets me just as he did the Canaanite woman.
Erin

Everything

I am right in the middle of making a couple of decisions about my life and where it will lead in the next few years: 1. a possible job here in Tacoma that will mean that I am firmly committing myself to being "on the ground" here in the city for the next few years and 2. possibly just continuing my random job stuff, but freeing me up to be involved in missions things as well as any Call2All Next Generation beginnings that will probably take place here in Tacoma starting in November.

I have been, however, feeling woefully incapable of hearing God's voice lately. Well, lately, as in the last year or so minimum. Maybe even closer to to two years.

I had some wise counsel from a friend though, who encouraged me to ask "What do I do?" rather than bringing my specific options to the Lord and asking Him which one to choose. So, I did that the other night and felt in my spirit a clear direction: "Be available."

I am certain the Lord meant be available for ministry, though the singleness-factor is almost always in play :D This does not give me an immediate answer to my job choices, but I think is a clear focus from the Lord to just worry about what He is asking me today and the rest will take care of itself.

So, this week presents my first two opportunities to just say yes when I am available. On Friday we will be presenting a drama after school at a local high school as an outreach. I just happen to not have to work on Friday, so I am going to the school to pray for people after the drama is over. I am also going up to Seattle tomorrow to pray for people after a class as well.

I am most excited about the drama. It debuted last night at church and the end of it includes the "Everything" skit. I weep every time I see this and last night was no exception. I really and truly bawl. It is kind of embarrassing, actually, how hard I cry.

I have included a link to the video of another church doing the same skit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Blessings,
Erin