Sunday, June 20, 2010

Is it the Weather or Just Me?

Sometimes I feel like I have bi-polar disorder.  I'll be humming along just fine and then...crash....I'm in a season where I am brought low again.  We've been having horrible weather here this spring, so I am not sure if that's just put me in a mood, or if it's something deeper within....

I haven't written anything in two weeks because, well, there's not much to write that isn't all melancholy, whiney, or I haven't already written about a thousand times.

I'm *still* in this seemingly endless period of transition.  Just when I think I'm done....I'm not.  And, I'll be honest, I'm ready to be done already.  Three years is starting to feel like an eternity, though I know rationally it's not.  The problem is, I just don't know what I am transitioning *into* and so it feels like I've been doing nothing but waiting, waiting, waiting.....

I know what I'd like to be transitioning into.  I'd like to be transitioning into marriage.  Scratch that.  I think a this point I'd just like to have someone find me attractive enough to *date,* I'd settle for that right now.  I'd like to be transitioning ino financial stability.  I'd like to be transitioning into some friendships.  I'd like to be transitioning into having a purpose beyond administration, or whatever other small box label the world currently has on me. 

Sigh.  I mean transition can't last forever, can it? Waiting can't last forever, can it?  I certainly don't know how men like David waited so long for his transition moment to actually become king, or Joseph to become second in charge, or Job to get his new life, or Abraham to get his Isaac, or Hannah to get her Samuel.....It is a courage and strength I fear daily might be running out, like the oil in the lamps of  some of the virgins waiting for their bridegroom. That scares me most of all.


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