Monday, June 07, 2010

Everything and Yet Nothing

Do you ever have one of the stretches where you have everything on your mind and yet nothing worth articulating a whole post about.

I am in one of those stretches right now.  I have so much going on in my mind, yet at the same time I feel little need to write.  I am just in a bit of a writer's block.....

So, in no particular order, here's what I have been thinking about the last few weeks:

1.  The BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  I am sickened and disgusted and annoyed and angered by this whole fiasco.  I find myself crying and weeping over the images coming from this area and I just want to DO something.  Yet, I get in my car every day and drive it somewhere.  I am just as much a part of the problem as BP.  They only exist because we need what they have.  I seriously am just burdened by what we are doing to our planet.  Sometimes I feel like a freak because no one I know seems to feel the same way, execept the folks I work with.  We are killing our planet and the mother's heart in me just weeps when I see what we are doing. I am not one to post a whole lot of political things on this blog, but this situation for me just has me fuming and I am fuming at just how "head in the sand" so many people in this country are about this issue.

2.  Law School is still a huge burden too.  I have decided I am going to apply, however I can apply and take the LSAT in December (not Oct) and be OK....this gives me the summer to save up some money for a Kaplan course and focus this fall on my application the LSAT at a time that is less busy.

3.  I am still in my season of intense loneliness. I am realizing that my busy-ness over the last few months has been my bandaid to not deal with how alone I feel 99% of the time.  You know, for me, when I cannot find significance in simply in who I am and the One who made me, I tend to turn to activities to find my significance.  Now that many of the things on my list from a few posts ago are being checked off, I am faced yet again with just how much I long for a family, and just how few friends I have in my life right now.

4.  Our lives are a Divine-Human cooperative.  The percent of direction that is the hand of God, and the percent that is us, I believe, changes from situation to situation.  I think that sometimes you have a situation that is 100% God intervening and directing...His determined will for something to happen.  At other times I believe He takes His hand almost completely off of the situation and it is our own free will that determines the direction of our lives and His involvement is perhaps as little as 1%.  Those two ends of the spectrum allow for lots of percentages in between 100% and 1%. 

I've been thinking then....if my life is not going the way I had hoped and dreamed, that leaves two options: a. either it's been God who's been preventing things from going "my" way or b. it's my own bumbling and fumbling that's been preventing it.

This has left me in a little of a bind.  I either blame God, or I turn inward and blame myself.  Neither option is really great, but I think it helps me to understand the "up and down" nature of my faith. 

Perhaps I'll write more on one of these topics at some point.  Or, not.


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