I don't have a lot of updates regarding things in my life. But, just felt the need to post about how in love with the Lord I have been this last month or so! I am tearing up right now at just HOW GOOD He is. This has been at the heart of my battle over so many things and to get a glimpse of breakthrough has just been so refreshing. I have written in the past how I have not understood my need for grace, and finally, I get it. The practicals of what that looks like are that I yearn for time with Him like I have not yearned since I was in college, my worship is sweeter than it has ever been, and cannot seem to contain myself. Which, in my opinion, is how it should be. Those who really understand what they have been saved from cannot seem to NOT tell people. I can hardly make it through a day without spending time with the Lord or pouring myself out. Before this breakthrough, my distrust in the goodness of Jesus made it so hard to spend that time, even though I knew I should, it made everything in life feel so much like a chore. It was all I could do to just get through, just survive. What misery I was in and though I knew I was miserable, there was not a thing I could do about it, it seemed. I would have small victories here and there, but nothing major. Now, I feel major victory!
I have written of my struggles with insignificance and fear of failure. These also stem from not fully grasping how pleased with me Jesus is, and how in love with me He is. I have started to understand what I have been saved from, how little I have deserve it and I have started to see that anyone who would take me, save me, rescue me the way I have been cannot have anything but real, pure, unconditional, absolute love for me! Who would save me in the state I was in unless they loved me that much? When I see that love, I see myself through His eyes. Not a prideful thing, but a real humility before the Lord in agreeing with Him: "Yes, Jesus, you know better than me!" A real understanding of that love also makes my fear flee: perfect love (Jesus' love) drives out fear. What is there to be afraid if, if my God can rescue me from the pit, how much more can He do? How can I not worship and adore someone who loves me so much, who has saved me from so much?
I see how absolutely rescued have been, and as I have seen the truth of the God who does that rescuing, I have gained a new perspective: God IS good! How can He be anything but good when He has done so much for me?
I unwaveringly praise Him that I am not in London, and I praise Him for how hard it was not to go. That was probably the lowest two months of my life which followed the numbest, deadest three years of my life. That two month low allowed me to really see what I was really capable of: a real hatred for God. I saw for perhaps the first time just how incredibly wicked this heart of mine really is. Really. All the pretending I have been so good at doing because I have been raised in the church was gone. And I was left raw and exposed for the first time. I really believe I needed to sink that low so that the Lord could raise me up. I now understand grace so much: in the moment when I KNOW I least deserved it, He came and utterly and completely saved me. Saved me from myself, saved me from sure destruction, saved me from death. How is that possible? It was absolutely NOTHING I did. I was behaving like a spoiled, angry four-year-old child, and yet in the midst of that, my God came through for me. I cannot begin to tell you what that grace feels like. I have never known it like I know it now. And I never want to let it go.
Thank you Jesus for saving me. You did it the first time when I was seven, and you continue to rescue me again and again. In spite of my sin, in spite of my gross-ness, you have come to rescue me. Amazing grace indeed!
There are a few songs that have just ministered to me in this season:
Resecue is Coming by David Crowder
Came to my Rescue by Hillsong United
Mighty to Save by Hillsong
I highly recommend them. Erin