A little over a month ago I posted a one-line blog post about dreams. At the time, I was just beginning to have revelation about what it would mean to move on from my life here in Tacoma and on to something else.
This has been harder than I thought it would be.
My stuff is just stuff. My house is just a thing. But the truth is that these things are physical representations of dreams that just might have to die for me to move on.
When I bought my house it needed work done both inside and out. As I lovingly picked out tile for my counter top I had visions of all of the meals I would make in the kitchen for my family someday. When I drilled hundreds of screws into the deck I added in the back yard, I dreamed of family dinners sitting out there in the summer sun. Each season as I have walked around my yard, pruning and planting and weeding, I wondered what it would look like three, five or ten years from now as the plants I have painstakingly put into the ground reach their full size. At night as I have gone to sleep stroking the soft fur of my purring cat, it has been with dreams of holding my own child someday; the cat helping to fill the void of physical affection in my life.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the life I've been leading and the dreams I have been dreaming. Yet, there is a real possibility that I will be walking away from these things within the next year. I am realizing the likely chance that not a single one of those dreams will come true. I am walking toward something, which is at the same time walking away from something.
Honestly, there is a part of my heart that is breaking over this and I there is a dull ache in my chest, on the verge of tears at all times. As I walk around my house I think of all of the work and love put into it and wonder if the next people who live there will care as much as I do, or hope that whoever gets my cats will love them the way I do. The pain of leaving these things behind is harder than I thought.
And so I am trusting. I am trusting that by letting go of these dreams that I have held on to, that there will be something even bigger, and even better for me and that I will not be disappointed. It's not easy, but it's all I can do.