The Lord was Pleased to Bruise Him

The last few years have been the crushing of me.

If you are a follower of Jesus, it is His pleasure to crush you too.

This fact is a part of following Jesus that I balk and buck at.  I am not equipped to understand a loving father who allows His sons and daughters to be bruised.

Yet, it is clear that if I am to be made into the likeness of Jesus, I must go through the same things He did. 

Isaiah 53:10 states: "The Lord was pleased to bruise him; he has put him to grief; when he makes himself an offering for sin, he shall see his offspring, he shall prolong his days; the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand."

If I look throught the Bible, it is filled with saints who have gone before me who were also crushed.  I can be crushed in a firey furnace like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  I can be crushed in a jail cell like Daniel and Joseph.  I can be crushed in the desert like Abraham, Jacob, Moses and Elijah.  Or I can be crushed in the valley like David. Then there's Jonah, Job, Ruth.....

Everyone's journey to being broken looks different.  There are no two ways exactly the same for the Lord to get me to the spot He wants me.  He allows me to have a journey uniquely crafted just for me to get me right where He wants me.

And, just why would it be his pleasure to do this?  It is because I must have my selfish ambition crushed.  I must have my pride, my idolatry, my rebellion, my people-pleasing, my insecurities, and my flesh purged.  This is the only way he can take me and remake me.  When I get to the spot of pure broken-ness, that is when I am truly and fully sumbitted and ready to be recreated in His image.

He desires a spotless bride.  He desires for me to have Godly character and holiness.  He cannot entrust His kingdom to untested people.  Just like no one would leave their child with a selfish, thoughtless, or rebellious babysitter, there is no way the Lord will entrust His people to those who don't have proven character.

I cannot do this on my own, though.  There is nothing in me that wants to give things up; especially if it involves pain or suffering to do so.  If I am completely honest, I only want the easy parts of following the Lord.  Don't get me wrong, there is joy and peace and celebration and love and kindess and provision and blessing to following the Lord!  However, it is necessary to see that sometimes the GOOD plan of the Lord is to allow trial, pain, and suffering.  If I seek to avoid this, I completely miss out on a whole portion of the Lord's character.  I do not have a full understanding of the Lord until I have walked with Him through a time of being pressed.

To "pick up my cross" means that I, like Jesus, submit to the will of the Father and allow Him to nail to that tree everything in me that is dark and vile.  The cross represents the fullness of life that I gain by allowing the Lord to do this.  The cross represents everything that is good and the opposite of my wicked and deceitful heart.  The very definition of being a Christian is that I admit that I am a sinner in need of a savior.  I cannot say I needed a savior only that one time.  I need a savior every day.  And so, I nail to the cross daily my will and sin.  Some things are harder and more painful to do this to.....this is why it can take a chastisement for me to be willing to give them up.

It was God's pleasure to crush Jesus.  This is the way of the Lord: to crush His saints in order to rebuild them.  Jesus had to go through this in order to identify with us in this way, though this is not the only reason for it.  It helps me to understand that even God in human flesh understood what it means to suffer.  (Please understand that I know there was an even greater reason for this....but it cannot be overlooked that the Lord allows this to happen to all those who are called.)

When I count it pure joy to face trials....I am not rejoicing in the trial itself.  I am rejoicing in what it is PRODUCING within me. I am becoming more like Christ, and if I suffer like Him, I will be resurrected like Him. I rejoice because I am being qualified for MORE.  I rejoice because there is fruit in my life from suffering.  I rejoice because I am gaining a greater understanding of who the Lord is.  It is in these things that I rejoice.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.  I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:7-12.

The last few years have been the crushing of me.  This is not the end of the story though.  And while my season of crushing is over, I am eternally grateful for the deep lessons learned and would not trade back anything lost in that season for all that I have gained.  I pray it would be His pleasure to crush you too.

Blessings,
Erin

A Year in Reflection

Like almost everyone, as the year winds to a close, I seem to do a lot of reflecting on the previous year.  It is almost funny how circumstantially life is almost identical to the same time last year.

I:
-still live in the same house with the same housemates.
-still long to be on the missions field.
-still work at the same job at the zoo.
-still have two health issues I have not been healed from.
-still long to be married and have kids.
-still watch every cent as it comes in and out of my account.
-still keenly feel the lack of fellowship in my life.
-still continue to lose friends over the course of this year.

However, this year has been surprising as well.

I started last year:

-desperately hoping to leave Tacoma.  Upon having an opportunity to do so, I turned it down.  Who would have guessed that?  I had an opportunity to move to Kansas City to be involved in a ministry there.  I have also had opportunities to join YWAM and have not done so.  Staying in Tacoma was the biggest act of faith I made this year.  Trusting Jesus to move me into missions on HIS timing and not my own has been one of the hugest leaps this year.  I did, however, get to go to Turkey this last year.

-pretty committed to a couple of ministries.  I am now no longer involved in those things.  This is likely just a pause and not permanent, who would have predicted that it would happen at all?  Especially considering how much of my significance I put in what I was doing. 

-searching for friendships with people who weren't reciprocating.  I am now focusing on those people already in my life and reconnecting with some old friends, spending time on people who actually want to be friends with me, and remembering what it means to BE a friend.

-longing to be married.  This year has brought some dating opportunities.  None of these have panned out for lots of different reasons, but the fact that I am "out there" at all feels strange at times, and at times disheartening and frustrating.

-financially sinking.  A great renegotiation with my mortgage company, two raises at work, and getting my budget under control while simultaneously becoming a couponing queen have helped get this area at least manageable. 

-physically hurting.  A little over a year ago, I tore my rotator cuff.  Last year at this time, I was in pretty severe pain with it, and could barely lift my arm over my head.  I also, due to another physical issue, had gained back about 25 of the 50 pounds I lost a few years ago.  Back in June, I started working out with a trainer.  I could barely afford this, but knew it was needed.  Six months later, my rotator cuff, while not healed, is significantly improved by strengthening the muscles around it and I have dropped between 15-20 of the pounds I regained.  My other physical issue has not been addressed, but I am feeling much better physically.

-broken in my relationship with the Lord.  This is an something I didn't even realize at the beginning of the year.  But, as the year draws to a close, this is one area I have to say has become a source of joy and peace I didn't know I was missing.  By doing the exact opposite of what I thought I should be doing and focusing on Him instead of activities about Him....this has made all the difference.  It seems so basic, so elementary, but when I have focused on keeping the first commandment first....the peace and joy flow from that.  When I am NOT at peace with my life or myself...that is a barometer of where I am focused and where I am finding my significance.  The last three to four months of this year have been some of the most peaceful and stable that I can remember in a long time.

Every year I pray about what I am hoping will happen for the upcoming year.  This year I am 6 for 10.  I was praying to get to travel abroad...I got to do this. I was praying about dropping the weight I'd gained back...I got to to do this.  I was praying about getting an opportunity to do some teaching...I got to do this.  There are a few others in the list that I got to check off and a few key ones that I didn't.  I think last year I was 3 or 4 out of 10.  So, I am improving!  Next year, let's hope I am 10 for 10!

Blessings to you and yours in this upcoming year!
Erin

Strength and Security

It takes a strong, secure woman to be a single woman of a certain age and love Jesus.  And, I love Jesus.  I really, really do. 

It takes strength and security to watch all of your friends walk down the aisle on their wedding day and not be jealous and angry that it's not you.  It takes a lot of strength and security to realize that the only single people available to hang out with are at minimum five years younger than you and that means that the relationships you have with them will be on their terms, not yours.  It takes a lot of strength and security to recognize that your married friends with kids will also be friendships on their terms, not yours.  It takes strength and security to continue to put yourself out there, day after day and remain hopeful and joyful over your circumstances.

It takes strength and security because everything about singleness at later ages in life speaks to every single insecurity that a woman has: is there something wrong with me, am I beautiful, does anyone want to truly know me, will I be loved...etc, etc.  And, yes, Jesus fills these needs.  But, there is a real dimension of the heart that cries out for earthly relationships too.

And, the longer hope is deferred the easier it feels to look everywhere else for those answers.

This is why it takes strength.  It takes strength to stand firm in your convictions and your devotion to Jesus.  It takes strength to fight against the lies that plague you and continue to hold on desperately to the truth.  It takes strength to say that "It is worth it" and mean it.  It takes strength to stay joyful and peaceful and grateful in the face of circumstances.

So, if you know a woman who is single and older....pray for her.  Pray that she would be strengthened and not give up.  Pray that she would cling to Jesus. 

And, if you are so inclined, embrace her, invite her into your life, check in on her and make sure she's OK.  Make sure she knows she's wanted and needed and important.

Those little gestures go a long way.

Blessings,
Erin

Adventures in Dating

I have decided that the world of online dating needs its own vocabulary to describe some of the folks one runs across.  These are written as "guys" but probably apply to women too...I just don't have any experience in that arena!  With no futher ado, here's my proposed list of new vocab words:

1.  The creeper.  The guy who sends you an email when you clearly have nothing in common and all he says is "You are a goddess.  You are in my dreams from now on."  And this is supposed to attract me?  Ewwww...  There are lots of these online and wading through the creepers to get to the genuine ones is what makes online dating so tiring.

2.  The professor. The guy who sends you an email picking apart your profile and pointing out all of the grammar mistakes or "awkwardly worded" phrases.  And then he wants to get to know you better.

3.  The ghost.  The guy who has no profile picture and can't seem to a. understand why you'd like to see one and b. keeps writing you, even after you've told him you only respond to people with pictures.

4.  The spammer.  The guy who "winks" at you, but due to your account settings, you can tell he's not actually read your profile.  These guys, I have found out, send out winks to many many women at a time, hoping to get a response.

5.  The Houdini. The guy you have lots of stuff in common with and everything is progressing nicely, and yet when it comes time to actually meet....he disappears.

6.  The slowpoke.  This is the guy who takes for-e-ver to respond to emails or communication.  Just when you've given up, he appears again.

7.  The fudger.  This is the guy who's profile looks great...everything seems to line up, yet when you ask key questions (like "What are your feelings on pre-marital sex?"), or when you meet with him his true colors show ("I believe sex is a normal part of a dating relationship" and he swears like a sailor while talking about drinking and getting fired from all his jobs). 

There might be more.....these are just a few from my more recent dating experiences.

Erin

World Map of Your Matches

As most of you know, I have been venturing into the world of online dating.....I have actually gone out with some folks I have met online.  I might post more about that later. One of the sites I have been using sent me the following email.  I thought it was hilarious.  Especially since I happen to live in one of the states they mention as the worst for me based on my answers.  They also must think I am Muslim.  Enjoy!

		We just finished programming this experimental toy. It generates heat maps of where your best male matches are, all around the world and the USA. Here are your results. All for you. Calculated from your match answers. In graphical form. Enjoy! A Map of Love: your best male matches by state target: USA | sampled: 23526 Your Worst States Oregon — 47.0 California — 47.9 Massachusetts — 48.0 Washington — 49.0 Vermont — 49.0 Your Best States North Dakota — 62.2 Arkansas — 58.7 Nebraska — 58.3 Mississippi — 57.7 Alabama — 56.6 A Map of Love: your best male matches by country target: World | sampled: 18744 Your Worst Countries Austria — 42.0 United Kingdom — 42.3 France — 43.6 Australia — 45.3 Switzerland — 45.9 Your Best Countries Saudi Arabia — 72.3 Indonesia — 71.0 Egypt — 68.3 Singapore — 67.9 Pakistan — 66.8

Victim, Conqueror, or Overcomer

Last spring, on my trip to Turkey, I had an opportunity to watch "The Blind Side" both on my way to Turkey and on my way home.  I had never seen this movie before.  I bawled at the end of it both times I watched it.

It was a movie that stuck with me even when I returned.  I wondered about this boy, Michael Oher, and wondered what it was about him (besides an amazing family stepping in) that allowed him not to get sucked into the life as it had been dealt him (which would have been easy to do) or to become angry and resentful.  What was it about him that allowed him to rise above?

Each one of us has trials in life. There is  no way out of this fact.  Proponents of prosperity gospel or even the hedonistic philosophies of our modern world say we should try as hard as we can in life to avoid pain and pursue pleasure and happiness as our highest calling.  They say life should be about fun and getting as much out of it as possible.  You would not believe how many people, like Job's friends so full of themselves, have told me that I just need to take life less seriously and have more fun.

I find it interesting how people become so quick to tell you what you should be doing and draw from their own experiences as though the Lord has you on the same path as they are.  While I don't believe life is a somber, serious, negative thing....there are seasons of this.  I would wonder what people  who have this view of life do when they enter their own season like I have been in?  Go to more movies?  Drink with their friends some more?  Watch more reality television?  Sleep with more people?

I call these people the "conquerors" of their life....they are out to escape, prove themselves and be in control of their own life.  They are just as enslaved to their circumstances as those who remain "victims" to their life. 

Like a person who grows up in poverty and spends every waking moment of their life obsessed with getting rich, or the chubby kid who loses weight and becomes addicted to exercise, or the adult whose childhood is spent with lots of rules and regulations who spends the rest of their life in the pursuit of pleasure.....if we swing this direction we are still, ultimately, controlled by circumstances.

It is always tempting to fall into this mentality.  "God's not helping, so forget Him, I don't need Him.  I'm single, so I might as well just go out and date anyone.  I don't have any heart friends, so I am just going to go out with XYZ gals who don't really care for me at all..."  Well, you get the picture.

At the other end of the spectrum is a "victim" mentality.  This is the one that I have been living in.  Like Job's wife, I have wanted to "curse God and die" and been sitting on my ash heap scraping my wounds waiting, waiting, waiting..  Sometimes waiting is a good thing, but I have been waiting for God to rescue me OUT of my circumstances instead of seeing me THROUGH my circumstances.  The victim role is one that is easy to play.  Everywhere we look people are blaming everyone and everything else for life being the way it is.  We all tend to all look for the easy way out and the victim role is one that lends itself to this idea.  Victims are the self-pity experts.  They look to blame anyone and everyone for their lot in life and tend to stay "stuck" where they are. They too are controlled by their circumstances.

The thoughts of the victim are things like, "I was hurt, so I quit trusting people.  I have a health issue, I'll never get better...." Well, again, you get the picture.

Both of these reactions to our life circumstances leave us just as tied to, just as enslaved to, just as controlled by our trials and circumstances.  But, somewhere in between these two extremes is another kind of mentality.  This is the life of an overcomer.  This person lives free from circumstances, free from their trials, and free from this life.

This is the person I want to be.

I want to be like the Michael Ohers of the is world.....I'm not there yet, but I'm hopeful to rise above, to learn, to grow, to change....

Blessings,
Erin

Put Me in Coach?

I haven't written in a while, OK, a LONG while.  This isn't because I don't have thoughts going, on.  In fact, just the opposite.  I have so many thoughts swirling that I have been a bit "paralyzed" on what to write down.

I am still firmly on my journey of peace.  It has been tempting, as it always is, when a measure of peace comes to begin to fall back into things that used to "work" before.  My softball coach used to say that it took 60 days to start a new habit when he would try to teach us something new.  Sixty days for something to become a part of who you are and not to have to think about it any longer.

Sports analogies always seem to help explain what's going on with my life.  So, I would describe my season as having taken myself out of the game, so to speak. 

I liken my life prior to this as being in a softball game, but sitting on the bench.  I was like a little kid hopping up and down saying, "put me in coach!"  Whether it was in relationships or ministry or any aspect of life, really....I never really felt like I was actually in the game and "making plays."  I wrote about this same feeling a while ago regarding singleness (http://erinintacoma.blogspot.com/2010/01/pick-me-pick-me.html), but really the feeling had extended into almost every area of life.

The disappointment of constantly being overlooked had just become too much.  So, I have taken myself out of the game and put myself up in the spectator section for a while. 

In this season of sitting things out, I am finding out a lot about myself....what I am truly interested and passionate about, what I truly think of myself, what I truly think of the Lord, which friends are *truly* there for me, and a lot else. I am discovering I'm pretty opinionated, that it really feels a LOT better when you just don't give a flying flea what anyone else thinks of you, that it is OK if people misunderstand you...and a whole lot more.

It is strange to be re-discovering these things right now, but I am finding that there's no such thing as a life that doesn't constantly have you learning and growing...and taking 60 (or more) days to learn a new habit.

Blessings,
Erin

Peace Like a River

There's an old-school song that has a line, "I've got peace like a river, I've peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul."  The tune carries on to "love like an ocean," and "joy like a fountain."  This tune, when it gets in your head is pretty hard to get out.  It has always seemed funny that peace is likened to a river in this song.  To me, peace is more like a placid lake than a swiftly moving river.  The metaphor is one that I have never quite understood. 

This is the tune that has been running through my head for several weeks now. 

I don't claim to be there quite yet, but I am certainly at a level of peace I have not been in quite some time.

It is amazing what cutting some things out, and focusing on one day at a time, one situation at a time, one person at a time, and really really really getting back to basics will do.

My schedule has never been so free of committments in months, maybe years.   I am OK with that, where in the past it wouldn't have been. I had spent so much time making those committments my identity and significance, to have nothing there would have meant a blow to me.  In fact, there are some invitations to things I have *turned down* because honestly, going to that event would have been for those same wrong reasons. In the past I would have shown up to any and all event I was invited out of fear. In the place of some of those committments I have been doing some things differently:

I have been re-connecting with friends I have not connected with in a looooong time.  And, I am doing it with no expectations and no agenda and with a joy at them being in my life like I have not had before. It feels great.  Some of these people are in very different situations in life than I am, and in the past I would have just thought that meant we couldn't spend time together.  Sure, it looks different, and in some cases it means we are skyping instead of meeting face-to-face, but I am re-discovering what it means to be a friend.  I have been so focused on my own pain these last few years, that I have put myself first and expected others to come to my rescue.  It feels good to get back to some sense of what it really means to be *me* in friendships.

I have been re-discovering things that bring me life.  I have been baking a lot, which I used to love to do but never had time.  I have been reading more.  I have time to exercise because fitting it in amongst my schedule isn't as hard.  I have started couponing (after taking a class) because it is such an easy way to save money.  I have contemplated taking a language class at TCC because I have always wanted to learn a foreign language.  I have contemplated taking an international trip JUST TO DO IT, because I love traveling. I went to Illinois to visit my brother and his family because I love them so much, and for no other reason than to just go. 

I have been getting back to basics on loving the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and loving my neighbor as myself.  I have started downloading podcasts onto my iPod and listening to sermons when I run.  I have fallen in love with this!  It is amazing to me how much easier my runs are when I am concentrating on something!  My favorite to listen to is Joyce Meyers right now.  She's full of depth and wisdom, but super funny too.  I even play podcasts on my way into work sometimes.  Granted this drive is only 15 minutes, but it has put me into a different frame of mind at work.  I have started taking notes during sermons at church again, something I used to do, but had gotten out of the habit with over the last few years.  There is more work in this area, but my Word intake is better than it's been in quite some time.

The "love your neighbor as yourself" part of that verse is a harder one for me right now.  Serving has always been wired in me.  However, I am pausing on serving in a formal ministry capacity right now.  So, I am re-digging into loving those around me and those right in front of me.  Again, this is pretty basic, but something I am re-discovering.  I suspect at some point I will be involved in a formal ministry again, but I am trusting the Lord to do it and to show me when and where to do this again. 

I read a blog from a friend who is going through a rough season as well and I am going to post an exerpt from her blog because I think it says a lot about where I have been over the last few years and the reasons I have been so honest in my posts.

"I know that the brutal honesty in my blogging opens the door for people to form opinions, be critical of where I am at, and share their "advice." But I HAVE to chronicle the reality of where I'm at now so that I can look back later and see the full picture. I KNOW that redemption will come. I KNOW that my heart will heal and I will be able to pour myself whole-heartedly into the next foster child that walks through our door. I want to be able to say "look what the Lord has done!" And in order for that to happen, it is only fair to chronicle what He is GOING to pull us out of! :) He will not leave this process unfinished. I know that He will not allow me to flop around like a fish outta' water for long. He WILL restore our hearts and I WILL boast of His grace to our family. Is He trying to bring me to an even greater place of desperation and dependence on Him? Yup. Do unfortunate things just happen sometimes because of the world we live in? Yes. Do we ever see the full picture in the midst of challenging circumstances? Unlikely. Do our hearts hurt sometimes? Um, yes."

I am so grateful for the rocky season I've been in because it has taught me so much that I know that I know that I know I would never have learned any other way.  The lesson isn't fully over yet, but I am more hopeful now than ever before.

Blessings,
Erin

Unoffendable: Easier Said Than Done

 A number of years ago I was having a conversation with a friend about my frustration with another friend and my inability to help her with a chronic area in need of breakthrough.  This friend said something to me that has stuck with me.  The essence of it was this: sometimes people, when they experience trauma or have major heartache at a certain age, stall out in their development at that age.  They learn coping skills and strategies that 'work' and tend to be unable to move beyond those into mature and "adult" methods of dealing with hurt and conflict.

I have been thinking a lot about this this week because I sometimes feel like I am stuck at a 13-year-old's emotional maturity.  This isn't always true, but when my feelings are hurt or I am offended or feel overlooked, some of the "immature" emotions come out.  It makes me wonder just how much damage rejection as a teenager really did to me based on how strong these emotions and reactions can be.  Just like my friend who was stuck in some areas...this is an area I frequently feel stuck in immature patterns too.

Case in point.  There is a wedding happening today.  In fact, as I am typing this, I am sure the reception is well under way.  To hear the skuttle about this wedding from just about everyone, this is set to be the "wedding of the year." 

Why am I not there?  I did not get invited.  Just about everyone else from the church I attend DID get invited, but I did not.

There was a day when people might have just told me to "just show up" at the wedding, but I happened to have emailed the bride to find out if there was a chance I could come even though I was not invited (was this rude of me?....I'm not sure...but I did not want to just show up, and I did not want to assume anything, so I emailed her to find out if there was a chance I could come...so, rude of me, I don't know?  What do you think?) and was told that they were going to "stick with their original invite list." 

This is where the 13-year-old emotions start to come out....I am angry that I wasn't invited, I am disappointed, I am hurt......thoughts of "what have i done that they don't like me? what's wrong with me?  why don't I fit in? I'm just not going to ever talk to them again..."  Well, you get the picture.

A few weeks ago I had breakfast with a friend and she challenged me: do you want to *be* a friend or do you want the *appearance* of being friends?  This got me thinking.  Am I disappointed that I am missing out on this event because of what it means for ME or am I genuinely disappointed to miss out because I really want to see these two people get married ?  And, I have to be honest, there is a large part of me that wants to be at this wedding not because of the bride and groom, but because of myself and what *I* am missing.  Selfish, eh? 

I think some of my feelings are understandable.  A very large portion of my social circle is at this wedding and I am not.  Not only that, I have been left out very intentionally.  Some of my feelings could easily be justified.

But, I am trying my best to move on to adult ways of coping: forgiving, being unoffendable, giving the benefit of the doubt, praying for this couple, and spending the afternoon with another good friend who did not go.

Sometimes, being an adult is a lot easier said than done.

Blessings
Erin

Revelation: My Need for Heart Surgery

In the last month or so a lot has happened.  You'd probably never notice this by looking at the circumstances of my life.  Life looks very similar today, if not identical, to how it looked a month ago. That is because most of the things that have happened are internal, not external. 

In the beginning of August I received a phone call from Call2All followed within a week by an email....would I please please please reconsider coming out to Kansas City to work for them?  Would I consider committing to 8 week for a training course and then see what happens after that?  Would I receive some help fund-raising and a slash in the cost of the course and come out for eight weeks?  Please please please?

Feeling oh-so-flattered....I worked my tail off on my end to try to make it work:  Would I be able to take a leave of absence from my job for 8 weeks (crossing the bridge of what to do after the 8 weeks if necessary)?  Could I get my house rental-worthy if my current housemates decided to move out once I was gone?  Could I financially live off of my meager savings for those 8 weeks?  What to do with my stuff if my housemates decided to move out?  What to do with  my cats while I would be gone?  Which rental agency to rent my house with if I should go.....on and on.  So, with all of the wheels in motion....I prepared to go.  I got everything in order and needed to make my decision by Sept. 1, so that I could give my housemates time to look for a new place if that's what they decided and time to train my fill-in at work.....

On August 30 I was 90% sure I was going, but by August 31, I had decided to stay in Tacoma.  Why, you might ask?  Here's an excerpt from an email sent to a good friend:

....I got your vm and as it turns out, I am not going to KC.  I have just had a lot of revelation on the difference between running away from something versus running towards something.....I was not that excited about KC....should have been a clue that I was running away rather than feeling called to something.  

What have I been running away from?  Well, life circumstances aren't great, but probably more significant is that I was running away from how incredibly insignificant I feel right now.  So, in the midst of a raging battle with insignificance, I basically get "courted" by call2all...it just really fed the gaping hole in my heart that was struggling, even though it was not something I felt particularly called to nor that excited about.  Just the fact that they wanted me felt flattering and fun.  

I decided not to go.  My heart feels sliced open and I am pretty miserable.  Especially since my circumstances have not changed, and now I am left reeling from this revelation of just how deep and all-encompassing my insignificance is and how I do just about everything not to feel it. 

I have told so many people in prayer times that if they were "paralyzed on a bed" they would be just as significant as if they were up and able to "do" things (ministry etc.) and now I feel like I am learning myself a greater depth of what that means.  I literally have nothing left to feel significant about: no ministry, not in my job, no friends, not in how I look, not in finances, not in anything.  And, the comfort I've taken in filling that significance void with things or activities or people is gone, and it hurts.  I literally don't think I know how to survive without the false comfort.  I realize some of that stuff is important (like friendships etc.),  but I really feel like the Lord has stripped it all away. 

That email was sent two weeks ago now and the work in my heart continues to be very deep.  I am realizing just how much of my worth is put in the activities I do, the people I call friends and the titles I have.  God, in His mercy, has taken a lot of that away and I am left with just me and Him.

The thing is, I have gotten really good at filling the void over the years.  A lot pain of the last two+ years has been the gracious hand of God first revealing and then stripping away the things I have held dear so that all I am left with is just He and I.  I am stunned at the depth and breadth of my insignificance.  I literally look to anything and everything but the One who can truly fill me to feed my soul.  As I have realized...all of that is temporary.  Take things, activities and people away and I have found myself like a scared little kid grasping on to every little thing I can to feel better.  How deceived I have been.

I am getting back to basics.  I am cutting out every activity I have on my agenda just for the sake of having an activity.  I am seeking the Lord on who He wants me to be friends with and focusing on just being "me" within that friendship and with others around me.  I am spending as much time as possible focusing on my relationship with the Lord, which is really what has been broken in the first place.  I am focusing on the things that bring me LIFE rather than those things I think people want or expect me to do. I am re-learning to trust the Lord and His goodness and faithfulness in my life, regardless of how it looks on the outside.  I am focusing on reading my Bible, and worshiping, and re-learning the basics of just WHO He is and just who He says I am. 

I am throwing out false labels, I am throwing out other's opinions of me (including, and probably more importantly my own opinions of me), I am throwing out expectations and preconceived ideas, I am throwing out the past, I am throwing out future worries.

I am working on today.  Just today.  It seems to simple, yet the work being done within my heart feels deep and intimate.  The heart surgery is not done yet.  Please be praying that it would be a complete and lasting work.

Blessings,
Erin