Kicking Fear to the Curb

This week I dyed my hair brown.  I also pierced my nose.  Interestingly, the main response from people who know me has been, "Are you having a mid-life crisis?"

The answer is, "No!"  I am not going out and buying a BMW (or any other car) that I can't afford. I'm not running off to Vegas hoping that what happens there stays there.  I'm not quitting my job and running off to join an acrobat troupe, nor am I trading in my wardrobe for some goth or emo style.  I am still me.  Just with a little more bling and a little less blond.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am always up for adventure....I have in the past quit my job and started a preschool, quit my job and traveled for three months in Europe, bought a house at the age of 28 when no one else I knew owned one, traveled to and from various countries alone (China, Turkey, and the UK to name a few) and so many other things.

Once I set my mind to something, there is very often little to dissuade me.  I wanted a pond in my back yard, so I grabbed my shovel and started digging. I wanted a deck, so a friend and I built one.  I wanted to learn how to ski, so I went up with friends and taught myself how to ski (I did this as a little girl with riding a bicycle too).  I bought a new car that was a manual transmission, even though I didn't know how to drive one, I just figured I could learn. Once the decision was made to dye my hair and pierce my nose, I just did it.

Often, the main thing that stops me from doing something is fear.  So, when I find myself contemplating something for a long time, and the only reason I'm not doing it is fear...well, sometimes I just find myself pulling the trigger and going for it.  Once I recognize that fear is the only thing stopping me, I usually just act.  I think this often appears to be a sudden decision, when in actuality the decision has been brewing for sometime.

This week has been that for me.  I have been thinking of going brunette for quite a while.  I have been thinking of getting my nose pierced at minimum since this summer.  Fear of what others would think, fear of change, fear of the unknown, and fear of making a mistake were the only things stopping me from going forward.  Rather than being bound by fear, I acted.

I find that sometimes the only way to kick fear in the face is to just go and do the very thing you are afraid of.  Very often I have realized that what I had actually been afraid of wasn't that big of a deal to begin with.  Fear puffs itself up to worst-case scenario, keeps you paralyzed and stuck.

Joyce Meyers has a quote about courage not being the absence of fear, but being afraid of something and doing it anyway.  I love that quote.

Besides, hair dye grows out or can be re-dyed, and if I don't like the nose ring, I can always pull it out and let it heal.  So, mid-life crisis? Nope. Now if I go and run off and become a rock band groupie...THEN you can start to worry.

Blessings,
Erin

(PS In NO way am I saying that getting my hair dyed and a nose ring are things truly worthy of some healthy fear....like say being deployed or having a child or moving...they're just my example in this post.)

The Best Fruit of All

When I was in High School, I was very active in Young Life.  I so loved this organization, that I volunteered with them when I was in college.  The leaders in my YL club quite literally saved my life.  They took me under their wings and helped me through some pretty rough times in high school like the foreclosure of my parent's house and their near divorce, my best friend's decision to have an abortion, and some heartache with school and sports.  They saw something in me and invested in me like no one had before.

I remember the wife of this team, Cheryl, telling me the story of how she and her husband met, fell in love and got married.  She told me that she and her husband, Dave, had met in February, were engaged by May and married by August.  The speed of their courtship shocked me, but the thing that was most surprising to me was what she said next.  She told me that right after she and Dave got engaged she prayed that the Lord would give them some sort of trial to go through together.  She told me that the relationship had been so blessed up until that point, she felt like she needed to know how they would handle trials and hardships together. 

This was such a surprising thing for me to hear as a teen.  I'd never before thought of relationships in the light she was presenting them before.  I had never considered that relationships might benefit if not outright need to go through testing together and that this could be a good thing for a relationship.

As I have gotten older, the truth of her story has proven itself to me over and over again.  Some of the best friends I have are friends that I have had this experience with.  I remember a particular tension spot I had with a friend whose wedding I actually ended up being Maid of Honor for.  I was terrified that this friction between the two of us would mean the end of our friendship.  (I think for relationships that are not on a true, solid foundation, this can and does happen frequently.)  Instead, after working through the issue that was causing the conflict between us, our friendship actually ended up being even stronger and more solid than it was before.  It was almost as though going through this confrontation drew us even closer together.

I am finding this same principal is the true with our relationship with the Lord.

As I am emerging out of my long season of suffering, I am having continually deeper revelation about the Lord's purposes in allowing us to go through messy seasons. 

In my previous view, the sole purpose of these rough seasons was that the Lord allowed them for the sole purpose of character development and to prepare the His chosen ones for greater things.  I still believe that those things are true.  After all, Job was restored more than was taken, Joseph became second in command of all of Egypt, Ruth gave birth to a man who would be in the lineage of Jesus, and I could go on and on. 

However, this is only part of the story!  Just like in our human relationships, our times of affliction are more primarily meant to draw us closer, but in this case to the Lord.  If our distress breaks our relationship with the Lord, it was never a true relationship to begin with.

I've been taking a closer look at the book of Job...even before the Lord restores Job and gives him back more than was taken, the Lord spends chapter after chapter revealing Himself to Job, He tells Job who He is, and He opens Job's eyes to all that He is and has done.

This is the same lesson I am learning too.  As I submit to the Lord's leading and work in my life and focus on Him again, I am entering in to a sweet fellowship and intimacy with Him like I have not had before.  I am learning all about Him all over again, and He is revealing Himself to me.  My relationship with Him is strengthened and intensified.

If I limit my revelation about seasons of distress only being for character development, then I begin to have a lopsided view of the Lord.  Seasons seasons of adversity WILL continue to happen to us over and over. There is no escaping them. We keep repeating these seasons, like a cycle, we repeat them over and over.  The difference is that we are meant to go deeper and deeper and deeper; not into a pit of despair but deeper into a well of living water.

The problem with a lopsided view of God's reasons for these seasons is that it paints Him as a hard-driven task master who is only interested in refining our character and making us more like Him.  While He IS interested in those things, He is infinitely more interested in developing our relationship with Him. If I only view my trials through this lens, I begin to strive and strain to figure out what's wrong with me or what I'm doing wrong so that I can put an end to this season.  If I instead view the ultimate goal of these times as something to draw me closer to the Lord....well, then I can rest more firmly in Christ's arms, abiding in Him, and cooperating with Him in all He wants to do in me.
 
This, I believe, is the source of peace I am now experiencing....I have realized that my relationship with the Lord has been strengthened and renewed by the last three years even stronger and deeper than it was before.  This is even sweeter tasting fruit than any character trait I've developed or any blessing the Lord might have prepared for me.
 
Blessings,
Erin

Love

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching and as the date comes nearer and nearer, I have been meditating on the love of Christ.  He loves me.  He loves every part of me, after all, He made me!  He loves the awkward, geeky, and gawky sides of me as much as the gifted, "with it," and mature parts of me.

Often when it comes to romantic relationships, when I am interested and hopeful for something to develop with someone, I find myself becoming morbidly introspective: "Did I say the wrong thing?"  "Did I do the wrong thing?"  "What is the right thing to say or do?"  "What if he doesn't like this part of my personality?"  "I am too XYZ or too little ABC for him." 

Sometimes these thoughts can be good....we can learn about blind spots or things that need to be brought under control of the Holy Spirit when we take a good look at ourselves.  For me, though, I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time dissecting and worrying about how I am coming across or who I am. 

I have realized, though, that whomever I marry....the very things I am afraid of not being loved are the very things he will love about me.  My brain: he'll love that I am smart and have ideas and thoughts....I won't have to hide or downplay this part of me!  My passion: he'll love that I am not afraid to be stirred by things and to be emotional about the things that move me.  My determination: he'll love that I am not easily dissuaded and that I remain loyal and committed.  My communication style: he'll love that I am a teacher in all I say and love to share all I am learning.  You see, there are so many things about me that I have felt are, well, wrong...yet, those are the very things that make me, me! 

The great news is, the Lord feels that way about me right now.  He feels that way about you right now too.  What are those things that aren't wrong or sinful that make you the unique person you are that you have felt overlooked or discounted?  What are those things that you have felt misperceived in who you are or you felt like you've had to hide?  We are uniquely designed, and each of us functioning in our gifting is how we make everyone better.

I am learning to embrace and love the very things about me that I can't (and shouldn't) want to change, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  I am learning to see myself the way the Lord sees me.  And, that is a good thing.

I love my laugh lines, they mean I have laughed and smiled a lot.
I love my worry lines, they have been earned in concern for others.
I love my gray hairs, they represent wisdom I have gained through experience.
I love my stretch marks, they mean I am mature and no longer a child.
I love my callouses, they have come through hard work and labor.
I love that I forget things sometimes, there are a lot of good memories to fill up my brain.
I love my soft hug, it is a great place to snuggle with my nephews.
I love everything about me that the Lord calls good, it means that He made me that way for a reason and purpose.

Blessings,
Erin

Center

Almost three years ago, I quit my job, raised support and left all of my "world" behind to go to Europe for three months.  The "mission" was to travel to Youth with a Mission bases across the continent and do some teaching and praying for base leaders.

Even before I left for this trip, I was struggling, though I didn't realize just how deeply until much later.  The three months in Europe were perhaps some of the hardest months of my life.  The issues I was struggling with before I left, I took right with me....leaving was not the answer.  In fact, in my opinion, it very rarely IS the answer, though many people seek a change in circumstance when what we really need is a change in our hearts.

Before I left, I was confident that this trip was the "next step" in my calling.  How right I was, but how different it looked from what I thought.

I thought that this time in Europe would offer me opportunities to teach.  This was and continues to be my "sweet spot" in ministry.  I had visions and hopes of being able to do this while I was there.

Not only did I get to do VERY little of this, in the other roles I had on the team I often felt the "least" member of the team.  I regularly wondered "what am I doing here?" or felt that just about any other person from our body could be there doing what I was doing.  I can hardly remember a more lonely time, or a time I felt more insignificant than I did during those three months.  I got to practice multiple times a day forgiveness of others (especially members of the team), dying to my own needs and serving almost 24-hours a day.

By the end of the trip, I was absolutely shattered.  Well, I was shattered even before I left, and I came back in absolute pieces.  I was tired from three months of non-stop praying, traveling, continual serving, living out of my suitcase, and eating really bad food. All of this was compounded by the fact that I was still dealing with every issue that had been brewing even before I left.

During the last week of the trip, I finally lost it.  I was offended at a team member and I simultaneously was dealing with the realization that not only did I not get to do any of what I thought I was going abroad to do, I had actually felt as though what I WAS doing there was not good enough.  I remember crying in another team member's room after he kindly told me that we probably couldn't pray if I was struggling.

I remember saying to him at that moment that I needed to learn that "scraping gum off of chairs" was good enough for  me if it meant that Kingdom work was being done."  I really meant it at the time.  It was a hard lesson to learn: here I was on the other side of the world doing ministry that looked nothing like I had hoped it would be, yet victories were being tallied....I should have been thrilled.

To this day I feel like this is a lesson I am continually learning.  How do I be content sitting on the sidelines as long as Jesus is winning?  How do I care more about the kingdom and the King receiving glory than getting any glory myself?  How do I learn to put the 'team's' needs above my own?  How do I put the Lord in the center of my heart instead of myself?

This is a lesson I am stil to this day learning.  Because, just when I think I have it down, something will come along and knock me off of the throne in my own heart and the pain of it shakes me awake and makes me realize just where I've placed myself.  It is a humbling thing to realize that you've once again taken the King's place in your own heart.

This is where I find myself today....realizing just how easy it is to let selfish ambition and personal promotion and "my" calling take over my life. 

Oh, Lord, that I would get to the place of needing nothing else but YOU glorified in my life.

Erin

Revelations about Tacoma

I live in Tacoma.  This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's taken the time to read my blog's URL.  And, as many of you know, I have been desperate itching to get out of here for a number of years now.  I have been in an extended holding pattern to do this, though, which has left me wondering at times, if I'll ever get my chance to see the mission field like I so hope to do.  This feeling of being trapped here has been compounded by the fact that over the last few years, many (I can count eight families off the top of my head without even trying that hard) notable families and some singles in my church have left for the mission field.  I have felt, as I have bitter-sweetly seen each of them off, whether somehow I had missed out on my chance to go.

Fast forward to Wednesday night at my church's mid-week service.  Towards that end of the service, one of our staff members got up to the front and was talking about an encounter he'd had with a notable prophetic voice in the American church and some words this man had to say about Tacoma....having never stepped foot here before in his life.  Our staff member reminded us of several words spoken over Tacoma and encouraged us to remember all that the Lord has said about this city over the years.  He also urged us to continue to believe...that it is never too late for the Lord to do what He said He would do and asked us to repent of any unbelief we had over this city.

Suddenly, I was struck by this fact: I feel about the words spoken over Tacoma the same way I feel about the words spoken over my own life: distrusting and unsure that the Lord ever will really do what He has said He will do.  In that moment, I had a revelation of just how deep this goes with me.  I could tell you with all head knowledge "Of course the Lord can and will do what He says He will do" but the truth of the matter, that in my deepest heart, I don't fully believe it.  In the same way I don't believe the Lord will fulfill words in my life, I don't believe He'll do it for this city either.  I had a connect-the-dots moment at how pervasive this distrust really is.  I have felt that Tacoma, like me, is the overlooked and forgotten one and this has been reflected in my actions in so many ways.

My heart broke over just what this has done.  Though I am here, I have not invested nor had eyes to see this city the way that I would want people to invest and have eyes to see me.  I have treated this city the same way I have been treated: with contempt, pride, and disdain. 

Obviously Tacoma is not a person, but it is FULL of people.....and I have neglected the ones right in front of my face.  I have not miraculously been transformed into deciding to stay, but I will say this: I have renewed vigor for praying and commitment to the people of this city while I am still here.

Blessings,
Erin

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?

The other day I was sick at home and was flipping through the channels looking for a good movie on TV.  I happened to stop on a channel I normally avoid at all costs.  On this day a particular TV show was on that is very popular with young adults and teens right now.  It is a show about a group of friends living together for a summer at a beach for a summer.   The TV show was one I'd heard a lot about, and because the stars of this show are famous within pop culture, my curiosity got the best of me and I watched an episode. 

The content of this show disturbed me so much that I almost didn't know what to do with myself.  In the course of one episode, one of the guys brought home a stranger he'd just met and slept with her, two of the other housemates slept with each other, and one of the girls brought another stranger home to sleep with him.  This show was a glorification of partying, sleeping around and I almost felt like I needed to take a shower after watching just a little bit of it, it was that disgusting.  THIS is what our youth are idolizing and looking up to.  THIS is what is considered normal and fun to them.  I about barfed.

I had a former friend, in her "breakup" email to me this fall tell me that I was too hard on myself (probably true) and that I "took life too seriously." She said that I could have a "normal and fun life."  She went on to mention several other things that I was doing wrong with my life and criticized several of the choices I had made, what I was doing with my life and some of the things I believed as reasons for not wanting to be my friend any more.

I was, of course, saddened by this email, as this person had been a housemate of mine briefly, and was someone who had kept in touch and encouraged me through a large portion of the fiery season I just came out of.  What saddened me as much as her decision to dump me as a friend, was her line about life and the implication that I should, as a Christian, be out there looking and acting like the rest of "normal" society and the implication that I was somehow existing in a bubble of a world in which I did not engage with culture at all.

What I do question is this idea that anyone who is a follower of Jesus can both follow Him to the fullest AND follow the world to the fullest as well.  We should not view culture passively, as entertainment, but rather actively engage with it, as it provides insight into world view.  We should be innocent, but not naive, because when we are naive become unprepared for how to deal with culture when we do encounter it. There also should be parts of culture that we should have nothing to do with as well as parts of culture we deliberately and thoughtfully engage with.

Do I think life should be devoid of fun?  Of course not.  But, the truth of the matter is that there are many aspects of life, many seasons of life, many things we are asked to do that are the complete opposite of fun. We do them because they are the right thing to do and because of the maturity and character that they develop.

Do I think life should be nothing but fun?  Of course not. But I do take issue with secular humanism infecting our churches. I do take issue with the idea that the sole purpose in life is for this one thing: having fun.



My decision to live without many aspects of culture in my life, and her decision to live with them is one example of why most people are so incredibly confused when it comes to post-modern Christianity.....in most ways we do not look different from culture at all.  What need is there, then for people to find Jesus if those who follow Him are not being redeemed themselves and redeeming the culture around them? 

Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, recently wrote a blog about this subject and he articulates this much better than I.  It's a long read, but well worth it. Here is what he said:

"Historically, and biblically, there are two erroneous extremes that Christians swing between: syncretism or sectarianism.

Syncretists go too far into culture, abandoning or diluting the gospel in the name of relevance. Liberals in the early twentieth century did this by pandering to the high culture of academic modernity and abandoning belief in the inerrancy of Scripture, the supernatural, and the divine nature of Christ. The shells of mainline churches are their legacy. Most recently, the Emergent Church did much of the same as they chased after the postmodern mood of our culture by questioning the virgin birth of Christ, the inerrancy of Scripture, the exclusivity of Christ for salvation, and God’s design for heterosexual marriage.

Sectarians are better known as fundamentalists who impose man-made rules on people in the name of achieving holiness by avoiding sinners and hiding out in a “Christian” culture. They are prone to seeing others sin more easily than their own sins of hypocrisy and religious pride, while arguing about morality when they should be explaining how to be redeemed. Whereas syncretists go too far, sectarians don’t go far enough. Neither follows the entire example of Jesus, though both would disagree passionately.

The general concern of sectarians is that to be in culture is to be in sin. All Christians are commanded by God to avoid universal sins—offenses the Bible condemns for all people in all cultures—as well as particular sins, or offenses that are sinful for some people under some circumstances but not for all people under all circumstances. Christians are to do so without unfairly condemning or restricting the freedoms of fellow Christians who involve themselves differently in controversial cultural matters.....This is, in part, what Paul means throughout the New Testament when he speaks of weak and strong Christians. In truth, every Christian is both weak and strong. We all have some areas in which we need to restrict our freedoms because of our weaknesses, while we are able to use our Christian liberty in areas in which we are strong.

I recognize that Christians will have different personal convictions in matters of culture and I welcome those differences that are not sinful, because what pleases God is unity, not uniformity. Uniformity undermines mission and often is promoted by erroneous restrictive and permissive theologies. Restrictive Christians go too far and name everything a universal sin, forbidding some cultural activities that the Bible does not, such as listening to certain musical styles, getting tattoos, watching movies, smoking cigarettes, consuming alcohol moderately, enjoying some sexual pleasures within marriage, and body piercing. Conversely, permissive Christians tend to name everything a particular sin and bless activities that the Bible forbids, such as drug use, fornication, homosexuality, and cohabitation before marriage.

I’m not advocating either a permissive or a restrictive approach to debatable cultural issues. Rather, I am encouraging Christians to involve themselves in culture not merely for the purpose of entertainment but primarily for the purpose of education. As a missionary, you will need to watch television shows and movies, listen to music, read books, peruse magazines, attend events, join organizations, surf websites, and befriend people that you might not like to better understand people whom Jesus loves. For example, I often read magazines intended for teenage girls, not because I need to take tests to discover if I am compatible with my boyfriend or because I need leg-waxing tips, but because I want to see young women meet Jesus, so I want to understand them and their culture better.

Sadly, a theology of “garbage in, garbage out” remains quite popular but has numerous flaws. First, there is no such thing as a pure culture untainted by sin and sinners, including Christian entertainment, which has had its share of scandalous behavior. One such example is the fact that as I’m writing this blog, the leader of a major Christian television network has publicly confessed to adultery. Second, it is uncertain what distinguishes clean “Christian” and unclean “secular” entertainment forms and why Bibleman is so much better than Spiderman.

Engaging culture requires discernment by God’s people to filter all of the cultures they encounter, Christian and non-Christian, through a biblical and theological grid in order to cling to that which is good and reject that which is evil. As we engage culture (watching films and television, listening to music, reading books, shopping at stores, and so on), we must do so as theologians and missionaries filled with wisdom and discernment, seeking to better grasp life in our culture. We do this so we can begin the transforming work of the gospel in our culture by contextualizing the good news of Jesus. Not compromising. Not changing. Contextualizing. Practically, this means doing what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:22–23, “I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some. I do it all for the sake of the gospel, that I may share with them in its blessings.” The truth is that every ministry is contextualized, the only difference is to which culture and which year of that culture. Everything from pews to chairs, sound systems, projectors, suits, and a printed Bible in the English language are very recent missiogical contextualizations in light of the two thousand years of Christianity....

One helpful taxonomy I have used for years to help teach on missiology is as follows:

· Receive – There are things in culture that are part of God’s common grace to all people that a Christian can simply receive. This is why, for example, I am typing on a Mac and am going to post this blog on the Internet without searching for an expressly Christian computer or communication format.

· Reject – There are things in culture that are sinful and not beneficial. One example is pornography, which has no redeeming value and must be rejected by a Christian.

· Redeem – There are things in culture that are not bad in and of themselves, but can be used in a sinful manner and therefore need to be redeemed by God’s people. An example that has resulted in a great deal of media attention is sexual pleasure. God made our bodies for, among other purposes, sexual pleasure. And, although many have sinned sexually, as Christians we should redeem this great gift and all its joys in the context of marriage.

As you can see, each issue requires discernment. Liberal syncretists tend to receive too much. Fundamental separatists tend to reject too much. So, while I would reject yoga because it is a Hindu worship act, it is possible for the Christian to redeem some of the exercise principles, as my friend, Rose, extols. Likewise, it’s not a sin to watch a film such as Avatar, enjoy the technological mastery, and learn about how to tell a great story. But, it is imperative for a Christian to not embrace the blatant pagan worldview that does not distinguish between Creator and creation, upon which the entire storyline of the film is constructed.

That said, is it possible to appreciate the musical and entrepreneurial talent of Jay-Z without praising his character or beliefs? Yes. Is it possible to watch and listen to Jay-Z to learn about culture, what people are valuing, and why some men have much larger audiences than any preacher because of how they present their message? Yes. Should Christians agree with the every message he and other artists present? No. Should Christians who like rap check out guys I have enjoyed getting to know a bit, such as Lecrae? Yes. Should all Christians listen to Jay-Z? No. Should Jay-Z sit down and talk to me about Jesus? Yes. Jay-Z, whenever works for you is good for me, and if need be I’d even watch a Nets game."

AMEN!

I read a friend's facebook post today of a translation of Galatians 5:13-26.  This translation was from "The Message."  This translation is not the most accurate of translations on a good day, but sometimes when you just want a nice, big-picture idea, "The Message" can't be beat.  Here's the translation:

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?


My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?

It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
 
Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.


Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.\

Blessings,
Erin

The Lord was Pleased to Bruise Him

The last few years have been the crushing of me.

If you are a follower of Jesus, it is His pleasure to crush you too.

This fact is a part of following Jesus that I balk and buck at.  I am not equipped to understand a loving father who allows His sons and daughters to be bruised.

Yet, it is clear that if I am to be made into the likeness of Jesus, I must go through the same things He did. 

Isaiah 53:10 states: "The Lord was pleased to bruise him; he has put him to grief; when he makes himself an offering for sin, he shall see his offspring, he shall prolong his days; the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand."

If I look throught the Bible, it is filled with saints who have gone before me who were also crushed.  I can be crushed in a firey furnace like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  I can be crushed in a jail cell like Daniel and Joseph.  I can be crushed in the desert like Abraham, Jacob, Moses and Elijah.  Or I can be crushed in the valley like David. Then there's Jonah, Job, Ruth.....

Everyone's journey to being broken looks different.  There are no two ways exactly the same for the Lord to get me to the spot He wants me.  He allows me to have a journey uniquely crafted just for me to get me right where He wants me.

And, just why would it be his pleasure to do this?  It is because I must have my selfish ambition crushed.  I must have my pride, my idolatry, my rebellion, my people-pleasing, my insecurities, and my flesh purged.  This is the only way he can take me and remake me.  When I get to the spot of pure broken-ness, that is when I am truly and fully sumbitted and ready to be recreated in His image.

He desires a spotless bride.  He desires for me to have Godly character and holiness.  He cannot entrust His kingdom to untested people.  Just like no one would leave their child with a selfish, thoughtless, or rebellious babysitter, there is no way the Lord will entrust His people to those who don't have proven character.

I cannot do this on my own, though.  There is nothing in me that wants to give things up; especially if it involves pain or suffering to do so.  If I am completely honest, I only want the easy parts of following the Lord.  Don't get me wrong, there is joy and peace and celebration and love and kindess and provision and blessing to following the Lord!  However, it is necessary to see that sometimes the GOOD plan of the Lord is to allow trial, pain, and suffering.  If I seek to avoid this, I completely miss out on a whole portion of the Lord's character.  I do not have a full understanding of the Lord until I have walked with Him through a time of being pressed.

To "pick up my cross" means that I, like Jesus, submit to the will of the Father and allow Him to nail to that tree everything in me that is dark and vile.  The cross represents the fullness of life that I gain by allowing the Lord to do this.  The cross represents everything that is good and the opposite of my wicked and deceitful heart.  The very definition of being a Christian is that I admit that I am a sinner in need of a savior.  I cannot say I needed a savior only that one time.  I need a savior every day.  And so, I nail to the cross daily my will and sin.  Some things are harder and more painful to do this to.....this is why it can take a chastisement for me to be willing to give them up.

It was God's pleasure to crush Jesus.  This is the way of the Lord: to crush His saints in order to rebuild them.  Jesus had to go through this in order to identify with us in this way, though this is not the only reason for it.  It helps me to understand that even God in human flesh understood what it means to suffer.  (Please understand that I know there was an even greater reason for this....but it cannot be overlooked that the Lord allows this to happen to all those who are called.)

When I count it pure joy to face trials....I am not rejoicing in the trial itself.  I am rejoicing in what it is PRODUCING within me. I am becoming more like Christ, and if I suffer like Him, I will be resurrected like Him. I rejoice because I am being qualified for MORE.  I rejoice because there is fruit in my life from suffering.  I rejoice because I am gaining a greater understanding of who the Lord is.  It is in these things that I rejoice.

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.  I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.  Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:7-12.

The last few years have been the crushing of me.  This is not the end of the story though.  And while my season of crushing is over, I am eternally grateful for the deep lessons learned and would not trade back anything lost in that season for all that I have gained.  I pray it would be His pleasure to crush you too.

Blessings,
Erin

A Year in Reflection

Like almost everyone, as the year winds to a close, I seem to do a lot of reflecting on the previous year.  It is almost funny how circumstantially life is almost identical to the same time last year.

I:
-still live in the same house with the same housemates.
-still long to be on the missions field.
-still work at the same job at the zoo.
-still have two health issues I have not been healed from.
-still long to be married and have kids.
-still watch every cent as it comes in and out of my account.
-still keenly feel the lack of fellowship in my life.
-still continue to lose friends over the course of this year.

However, this year has been surprising as well.

I started last year:

-desperately hoping to leave Tacoma.  Upon having an opportunity to do so, I turned it down.  Who would have guessed that?  I had an opportunity to move to Kansas City to be involved in a ministry there.  I have also had opportunities to join YWAM and have not done so.  Staying in Tacoma was the biggest act of faith I made this year.  Trusting Jesus to move me into missions on HIS timing and not my own has been one of the hugest leaps this year.  I did, however, get to go to Turkey this last year.

-pretty committed to a couple of ministries.  I am now no longer involved in those things.  This is likely just a pause and not permanent, who would have predicted that it would happen at all?  Especially considering how much of my significance I put in what I was doing. 

-searching for friendships with people who weren't reciprocating.  I am now focusing on those people already in my life and reconnecting with some old friends, spending time on people who actually want to be friends with me, and remembering what it means to BE a friend.

-longing to be married.  This year has brought some dating opportunities.  None of these have panned out for lots of different reasons, but the fact that I am "out there" at all feels strange at times, and at times disheartening and frustrating.

-financially sinking.  A great renegotiation with my mortgage company, two raises at work, and getting my budget under control while simultaneously becoming a couponing queen have helped get this area at least manageable. 

-physically hurting.  A little over a year ago, I tore my rotator cuff.  Last year at this time, I was in pretty severe pain with it, and could barely lift my arm over my head.  I also, due to another physical issue, had gained back about 25 of the 50 pounds I lost a few years ago.  Back in June, I started working out with a trainer.  I could barely afford this, but knew it was needed.  Six months later, my rotator cuff, while not healed, is significantly improved by strengthening the muscles around it and I have dropped between 15-20 of the pounds I regained.  My other physical issue has not been addressed, but I am feeling much better physically.

-broken in my relationship with the Lord.  This is an something I didn't even realize at the beginning of the year.  But, as the year draws to a close, this is one area I have to say has become a source of joy and peace I didn't know I was missing.  By doing the exact opposite of what I thought I should be doing and focusing on Him instead of activities about Him....this has made all the difference.  It seems so basic, so elementary, but when I have focused on keeping the first commandment first....the peace and joy flow from that.  When I am NOT at peace with my life or myself...that is a barometer of where I am focused and where I am finding my significance.  The last three to four months of this year have been some of the most peaceful and stable that I can remember in a long time.

Every year I pray about what I am hoping will happen for the upcoming year.  This year I am 6 for 10.  I was praying to get to travel abroad...I got to do this. I was praying about dropping the weight I'd gained back...I got to to do this.  I was praying about getting an opportunity to do some teaching...I got to do this.  There are a few others in the list that I got to check off and a few key ones that I didn't.  I think last year I was 3 or 4 out of 10.  So, I am improving!  Next year, let's hope I am 10 for 10!

Blessings to you and yours in this upcoming year!
Erin

Strength and Security

It takes a strong, secure woman to be a single woman of a certain age and love Jesus.  And, I love Jesus.  I really, really do. 

It takes strength and security to watch all of your friends walk down the aisle on their wedding day and not be jealous and angry that it's not you.  It takes a lot of strength and security to realize that the only single people available to hang out with are at minimum five years younger than you and that means that the relationships you have with them will be on their terms, not yours.  It takes a lot of strength and security to recognize that your married friends with kids will also be friendships on their terms, not yours.  It takes strength and security to continue to put yourself out there, day after day and remain hopeful and joyful over your circumstances.

It takes strength and security because everything about singleness at later ages in life speaks to every single insecurity that a woman has: is there something wrong with me, am I beautiful, does anyone want to truly know me, will I be loved...etc, etc.  And, yes, Jesus fills these needs.  But, there is a real dimension of the heart that cries out for earthly relationships too.

And, the longer hope is deferred the easier it feels to look everywhere else for those answers.

This is why it takes strength.  It takes strength to stand firm in your convictions and your devotion to Jesus.  It takes strength to fight against the lies that plague you and continue to hold on desperately to the truth.  It takes strength to say that "It is worth it" and mean it.  It takes strength to stay joyful and peaceful and grateful in the face of circumstances.

So, if you know a woman who is single and older....pray for her.  Pray that she would be strengthened and not give up.  Pray that she would cling to Jesus. 

And, if you are so inclined, embrace her, invite her into your life, check in on her and make sure she's OK.  Make sure she knows she's wanted and needed and important.

Those little gestures go a long way.

Blessings,
Erin

Adventures in Dating

I have decided that the world of online dating needs its own vocabulary to describe some of the folks one runs across.  These are written as "guys" but probably apply to women too...I just don't have any experience in that arena!  With no futher ado, here's my proposed list of new vocab words:

1.  The creeper.  The guy who sends you an email when you clearly have nothing in common and all he says is "You are a goddess.  You are in my dreams from now on."  And this is supposed to attract me?  Ewwww...  There are lots of these online and wading through the creepers to get to the genuine ones is what makes online dating so tiring.

2.  The professor. The guy who sends you an email picking apart your profile and pointing out all of the grammar mistakes or "awkwardly worded" phrases.  And then he wants to get to know you better.

3.  The ghost.  The guy who has no profile picture and can't seem to a. understand why you'd like to see one and b. keeps writing you, even after you've told him you only respond to people with pictures.

4.  The spammer.  The guy who "winks" at you, but due to your account settings, you can tell he's not actually read your profile.  These guys, I have found out, send out winks to many many women at a time, hoping to get a response.

5.  The Houdini. The guy you have lots of stuff in common with and everything is progressing nicely, and yet when it comes time to actually meet....he disappears.

6.  The slowpoke.  This is the guy who takes for-e-ver to respond to emails or communication.  Just when you've given up, he appears again.

7.  The fudger.  This is the guy who's profile looks great...everything seems to line up, yet when you ask key questions (like "What are your feelings on pre-marital sex?"), or when you meet with him his true colors show ("I believe sex is a normal part of a dating relationship" and he swears like a sailor while talking about drinking and getting fired from all his jobs). 

There might be more.....these are just a few from my more recent dating experiences.

Erin