The Path Less Traveled....

The further down the road of faith you get, the less traveled it is.  This means it can be lonely, dusty, unpaved, and bumpy.  Sometimes you might even have to get out your machete to clear the brush out of the way to see where you are going.

Twos and Threes

I am generally a pretty even-keeled kind of gal.  It takes a lot for me to get angry and I am generally pretty happy-go-lucky.  On my roughest days I tend more towards becoming quiet and introspective rather than outwardly angry or irritable.  The last few days for me have been uncharacteristically moody for me.

Usually I can chalk one day of feeling this way up to lack of sleep or not feeling well.  Both of these things were true earlier in the week.  However, the black cloud hanging over me has not lifted in three days now.

This should be a joyful time for me.  I just got great news about my house, my favorite season-spring-is here, I'm leaving for Turkey in a little over a week, I just found out I got a raise at work, my sister-in-law is about to give birth to my second nephew....but I am not joyful. Something just feels "off" to me right now.

I know that anger is a secondary emotion and that it's rooted in something else.  I know part of it is that I am a bit disappointed that the next season in my life is one where I am going to be venturing out on my own.  There is a real part of my heart that is still grieving over the fact that no matter what happens this September, I am being asked to do it by myself.  I know that wherever I go, there will be people there.  I won't be completely alone.  But, honestly, I have always hoped that someday when I was sent out, it would at least be with a friend. 

There are a lot of men and women who have gone before alone.  I wrote a post about this last August.  I don't know how they did it.  I think I have felt alone for so much of my life that the thought of being even *more* alone is almost physically painful. 

I think about Katie, the 21 year old in Uganda and I don't know how she does it.  I think about my friend Pete in Tokyo and I don't know how he does it.  I think about my friend Miki, virually alone in Japan, and I don't know how she does it.  And there are others I am sure I am leaving out.  How is it that these people and many others seem to be able to make a go of it alone, while I, who have been nothing but alone can't seem to get over this to feel joy?

I don't want to go alone.  Yet, the reality that I am probably going to go alone is becoming more and more tangible to me.  I think this is why I am on some days reluctant to leave....being as lonely as I have been these last few years, at least I have had housemates and family and co-workers.  I have hardly had a friend, but there have been enough moments of fellowship to keep me from going totally insane. 

Jesus sent His disciples out in twos and threes (Mark 6).  Ecclesiastes talks about a three-chord strand not easily broken.  The very trinity itself speaks to relationship.

There is a lot of emotion here, as I wrestle over the fact that the loneliness I have been living in for the last few years is not ending but quite likely going to continue.

Blessings,

Erin

It Has Arrived!

Yesterday, when I left for work, I overwhelmingly felt from the Lord that *this is the day you'll hear from your mortgage company.*  Sure enough, I logged onto my account and had this notice: "your paperwork was sent today, please sign and return your forms as soon as possible."  So, what should arrive via UPS today?  My mortgage modification documents.

I gleefully ripped them open and began wading through all of the terminology and numbers.  Basically, what it boils down to is this: I AM OVERWHELMINGLY FAVORED.  Seriously.  I was praying for a specific number.  This number meant that should I chose to walk away to missions, I could rent my house with no extra needing to be paid on it by me.  So, drumroll....my new mortgage payment is actually almost $150 lower than even this number.  What this means is that when I rent my house, I will actually be MAKING money off of the rent!  Can you get any better than that???

So, here's the bottom line.  I have some debt.  If I do this the way I think it will work out.  I can take the next six months, pay off my debt and even make a few upgrades to the house (stuff like adding a sprinkler system to make it easier to maintain when I am gone etc.) and be free and clear to go, if that's what I am going to do.

Now comes the hard part....what am I "going" towards?  I feel like this answer is a clear "yes" to going, but the bigger question is: what is my heart beating to go towards?  I feel like this whole process has been a big one for me in determining what exactly it is that I want to do.....do I want to "go" to Call2All?  Do I want to "Go" with YWAM and do a DTS?  Do I want to "Go" with some other missions organization?  Or, do I really "Go" out on a limb like the girl in my previous blog and do something really wild and crazy like move to Kenya and start my own orphanage?

Every time I pray about this, I feel like the answer will be so clear by September.  Not that I'll be gone by then, but that I'll know the answer by then.

Blessings,
Erin

Blog Recommendation

I have been reading a blog for a while written by a woman in her early 20s who moved to Uganda about two and half years ago.  She moved there and has single-handedly adopted to date 14 orphans there.  She is in a third-world country, basically alone, with 14 kids (most of them special needs).  Reading her blog kills me.  Kills me in a good way.

This particular post, though, particularly struck me.  I have talked about the cost a lot in this blog recently, but I am realizing more and more that I have NO IDEA what it means to truly lose my life for the sake of Christ.  She really has given up everything for those kids.

I wept when I read it.  I was convicted.  I was ashamed (not in a bad way).  I was humbled. 

Erin

Just Put One Foot In Front of the Other

I started running again this week for the first time since last spring and the unfortunate dog bite incident.  I am not a super great runner.  Even on my best days I'm pretty slow.  Part of my problem with running, well, any exercise, is that I played so many sports growing up that exercise has had no meaning for me outside of the realm of competition.  I never learned exercise for the sake of being healthy....it always had to have some greater or grand purpose to it than that.  I remember one calendar year I ran track in the spring, played softball in the summer, played volleyball in the fall, and then basketball in the winter.  This was then followed by playing on an elite softball team the following spring.  I literally went almost a year and a half with no breaks from sports.  Is it any wonder I went a bit on exercise burnout for so long after quitting competitive sports for good after university?

One of the things I notice when I do re-start an exercise program is my old tendency to push myself just like I would have been pushed playing sports.  It's not enough that I am just out there doing it.  I have to go longer, faster, better.  I can't just be content with going two miles, even if I walk a bit. No, I have to go two miles, run the whole thing and then the next time I go running I have to go further or faster.  I am learning to give myself grace and just be happy to be out and moving and forget everything else. 

One of my other issues with running is my tendency to focus too far ahead.  If I am running down a street, my eyes tend to be waaaaay down the road.  The problem is that I start thinking about how far away that is, and how tired I am and how I'd like to stop and walk for a bit, until eventually I actually DO stop and walk, or at least slow down.  I have actually realized that I do better if rather than focusing too far ahead, if I just concentrate on the road just slightly ahead of me and around me (taking looks further up ahead only periodically to make sure I'm headed in the right direction) it makes the run easier.  I just put one foot in front of the other and before you know it, I'm at the end of the road which seemed so far away at the beginning.

I find a lot of spiritual parallels with this.  Matthew 6:34 says "Do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  I think the running analogy applies here.  If we start looking too far ahead in life we start thinking of how far we have to go, how tired we are, how we are going to get there and how much we'd like to stop until we eventually do.  Or, we start worrying about things that haven't even happened yet!  We should keep in the back of our mind the prize (the finish line), that's our motivation.  But we should be focusing our fore-front thoughts on what's in front of us today.  If we are obedient and wise and diligent with what we have today...tomorrow takes care of itself.

Obviously this is not a prescription for just frittering today away or being frivolous or procrastinating with our todays....we still have to be wise and responsible....but, tomorrow will be taken care of. That's a promise.

Blessings,
Erin

PS For those who are wired with a visionary ability, this is a whole other category of "tomorrows" and I am pretty certain that this verse was not speaking of this type of "thinking ahead."

Humility or Acknowledged For What You Do?

My birthday is coming up.  In fact, I'll be in Turkey on the big day.  And, I say "big day" because it's one of those birthdays with a 0 or a 5 that the world determines means it's important.  However, I am not excited to celebrate this at all.  I am secretly relieved that I'll be out of town and won't be around for folks to make a big deal out of this.  I even emailed a friend, who is super gifted at blessing people on their birthday specifically to tell her that I don't want her to plan anything.

If this was just about my birthday, I might think this was nothing more than feeling poorly about getting older.  However, something else happened recently that makes me wonder if there's more going on.  Let me explain.

I am a part of a few ministries.  One of them is local, the other, global.  One of these ministries would like to put my picture with a short bio up on a website.  I literally want nothing to do with this.  Others already have their bios and pictures up.  I was hoping no one would remember to ask me for mine.  I literally could care less if my name or bio is anywhere on this website at all.

This feeling is totally and completely foreign to me.  I usually swing in completely the opposite direction, demanding that I be acknowledged for what I have done and feeling overlooked and unimportant if this doesn't happen.

It has surfaced some questions within me about the difference between in all humility not caring whether others know what you've done on one hand, and being genuinely honored on the other.  Bob Sorge wrote a book called "Fear and the Praise of Man."  I think I need to re-read this and glean some answers.

I am certain there is some small issue there, especially regarding my birthday, about already feeling forgotten and not wanting to get my hopes up (actually this theme plays out in a lot of areas, especially in romantic hopes) and then being disappointed.

Any faithful readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Erin

Turkey Lurkey

I am headed to Turkey in less than a month.  I am, as of today, only $135 short of my half of the plane ticket.  I probably, realistically, need to raise just a little more than this because I am headed over two days early and will have to stay somewhere on my own dollar for those two days.

I am super excited about going early and seeing things like the Haghia Sophia, the Grand Bazaar, and the Bosphorus Bridge. There is a fabulous archeological museum there as well that sounds grand.  I was hoping to sight see with a friend who lives in Egypt.  He needs to renew his visa for the country and was thinking he'd fly over to Turkey and spend a day or two there so he could fly back and get a new entry visa.  However, he found a much cheaper and easier way to do this.  So, it is looking like I'll be spending two days in Istanbul by myself (just don't tell my parents...they'll freak out). 

I am not too worried about this.  I have spent a lot of time in foreign countries and Turkey, while muslim, fiercely protects its secular government and is about as tolerant as a muslim country can get.  However, the reality is that I will be in a foreign country as a single, American, young female alone.  So, I am trying to be as wise about it as possible. 

Today I went to Goodwill to buy some longer skirts.  Apparently many Turkish women embrace western culture and wear shorter skirts or even bare their midriff.  I just don't want to take any chances, however.  I want to blend in as much as possible (well, as much as I can with my blonde hair and blue eyes).  I am also staying in a hostel instead of a hotel.  This is both cheaper and a possible way to meet other folks touring through the country alone or in small groups who might be willing to let me tag along with them.

It really is starting to feel as though this was a "trial run" to a full-time job.  If I were to do this full-time, I would be travelling to the country of upcoming conferences 3-4 weeks ahead of time.  Alone.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I'd be housed with a host family or person, so I wouldn't be completely alone.  But, in a lot of ways, I would be without community and probably spending time by myself exploring cities and countries.

I had coffee today with a friend and her mother who's sister is a flight attendant.  This is one of the things that this sister loves most about her job: showing up in a new city or country, putting on her walking shoes, grabbing a map and setting out.  In a lot of ways, I love this too.  I have spent of time traveling alone.  It does not inimidate me to do just what she describes her aunt as doing.  In fact, when I was 14, I spent a week with a tour group in Madrid and Paris and met my aunt, uncle and cousins who had been living in Germany while I was there.  I had, in just one day, managed to figure out the subway (metro) system in Paris to navigate us everywhere we wanted to go for the day. 

However, the biggest difference between my friend's aunt and myself, is that at the end of the trip, she has someone to come home to.  I do not.  I would be returning to Kona and to a ready-made community there, but with the last few years of loneliness and isolation I have had, I am just not sure where I am at with diving head-long into more loneliness and isolation.  Just something more to ponder.

I also had lunch last week with a friend who is joining Youth With a Mission by doing a Discipleship Training School in Tokyo Japan.  He had a lot of good advice about just taking my decision-making one day at a time (hmm...doesn't the Bible say something about not worrying about tomorrow?) and being OK with saying that my decision is X today, but might be Y tomorrow....This felt like such a wise council.  Today, I am in Tacoma.  I might still be in Tacoma tomorrow but I am OK with not knowing much beyond that and allowing the spirit to lead and guide me in a new direction down the road...whenever that might be.

So, still waiting.  Still praying.  But, OK with that for now.

Blessings,
Erin

Fear Has to Do With Punishment

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

I have been having revelation lately just how ingrained my way of thinking about the Father's love for me is.  We talk about strongholds and pulling them out by their roots, rather than just chopping off branches so that they end up growing back.  This area feels like I keep pulling and pulling and the roots just keep coming and coming.  These roots are so tangled around my heart that I have a hard time determining truth from lies.

I grew up in a house with a father who traveled a lot for work.  Due to sleep apnea, when he was home, he was tired and grumpy.  Both of my parents were highly involved with my life and I always felt loved.  I also felt a lot of pressure to succeed and do well in all I did.  My parents pushed me and prodded me to do my best.  The problem was that I was already wired to want to please.  I was already wired with my own perfectionist tendancies.  Add all of this up and you end up with a recipe for disaster. 

I felt my whole life as though I were only good, pleasing and acceptable if I was succeeding.  I don't think my parents intentionally did this, but I received a lot of praise when I did do something well.  I was actually pretty good at almos everything I tried.  Soon, I became addicted to earning the praises of those around me.  Try harder. Work harder.  Meet expectations.  Perfection. Perfection. Perfection.

The battlefield in my mind started young and was reinforced at every turn. 

Fastforward to present day and what you have is an adult woman who has been working for years to pull this way of thinking out of her brain.  This way of thinking: that performance equals praise, pleasure, and blessings, is exactly how I see the Lord.

I wrote in my last post about having the faith to follow the Lord even if He asks me to give up everything. But, I am also only human.  There are a couple of things on that list that at this point would feel more like punishment to lay down than anything else.  This is especially true because I feel quite a few of those things are major heart's desires, if not outright words from the Lord that they will come to pass.

It makes the thought of giving them up that much harder...it feels like I've done something wrong.  There is a real part of my way of thinking that needs rewiring.  This is the crux of my earlier post about 1+1=932.  I simply cannot wrap my brain around a God whose economy does not include earning His love/approval/blessings and who does not withold those things when you've missed the mark.

I also know, that for me to fully be able to lay my life down, I must understand this in a deeper way so that I don't try to hang on to things for fear of losing them or try to make my heart's desires happen because I am afraid that I won't be able to be "good enough" to earn them.  It makes the verse about fear having to do with punishment that much more understandable to me.

Romans 12:2 says:  "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."  I feel like this is so appropriate.  If I have a worldly mindset about who God is, if my mind is not transformed, then there is no way I can know what God's will for my life in any area is...not in my decision about Call2All nor anything else.

At the end of the day, this is probably more of my wrestle than anything else I going on. This is the one thing that all of my struggles boil down to. This one thing: what the character of the Lord is.

Blessings,
Erin

Though He Slay Me

"Though he slay me, yet I will still hope in Him." 

 Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation. Never confuse the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, because a great deal of what we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive. Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, "I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do." The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is— "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" (Job 13:15). - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

What if this is as good as life gets?

If I never get married, have children, go to the nations, teach, preach, disciple, see people healed, set people free from bondage, will the promise of a future spent in the presence of God worshiping be enough?  Or, do I have an expectation of something from God beyond ALL that He has given me?  Is eternal life (truly living) enough of an exchange for me in exchange for this temporary life, which is not really living at all?

If I lay down my life over and over and over again and yet gain nothing in this life from it, will I still follow, will I still say "yes Lord, all I have is Yours?"

If I am overlooked by everyone and everything, will I believe that I am not overlooked by the one who matters?  Will that be enough for me?

If I never see one promise, word or dream fulfilled, will I still trust that God is good, that He knows what He's doing?  Will I still believe that He has my best at all times and that THIS is His best for me?

What if I lose everything?   What if my health gets worse, I really do lose my house, have no friends, no ministry, and no job? 

What then?  Will I quit? Give up?  Curse God and die?

When I initially got saved I thought giving my life over to the Lord was just a one-time and you're done kind of thing. I am realizing more and more just how backwards that way of thinking is.  In reality, giving my life over to the Lord that first time was really just that: the first time.

In our lives the Lord takes us to a point over and over again where He asks us: "Is your life really mine?"  We are forced through circumstances and trials and decisions to decide once again.  The thing is, it really is a choice. We have the choice to answer Him again and again, "Yes Lord, it's yours."  We also have the choice to say, "No Lord, it's not."

Initially, that first response was pretty easy.  I got to exchange a life of death and destruction for eternal life.  That's a no-brainer.  I gladly laid down my life as best I knew how back then.  That's the joy of salvation.  That's our first love.

I have found that the further in the race I run from that initial starting gun my legs start to get fatigued, and I am asked to carry more weight, and I'm shown more clearly just what this race I'm in looks like. I can get to a point where I just want to slow down just a little, or stop altogether.  Sometimes, I'll be honest, I'd even like to go backwards just a little.

I hear the Lord whisper to me: "Beloved, are you going to quit?  Are you going to stop?  Or, are you going to continue to lose what you cannot keep?"

If He asks for everything, I will still trust in Him.

If everything points to His character being anything but perfect, I will still believe that He is.

Though He slay me, yet I will still hope in Him.

That is my prayer.

Erin

Distractions!

I am starting to understand more and more why Jesus, when faced with cross-roads in His life, went away to pray.

I am still faced with this decision about what to do this fall: DTS?  Call2All without a DTS? Stay in Tacoma for a while longer?

Practically, I can't make the decision yet.  I am still waiting to hear back from my mortgage company, though the answer there could be as early as this week some time.  However, I am finding myself increasingly distracted.  I am distracted by things that have no bearing on my decision whatsoever.

The problem is that in the past, I have made decisions based off of these things.  It is a part of maturing and growing in Christ that we refine and whittle down our criteria for making a decision until it is Christ alone whom we follow and not circumstances, nor people, nor feelings/emotions, nor anything in this world.  I'm giving myself grace for previous decisions I've made based off of similar distractions to those popping up right now.

However, that does not mean that it isn't tempting to fall back into old patterns.

I find myself frequently literally chopping the air around me to break off thoughts (which is probably pretty funny looking to people who don't know what I'm doing) or praying fervently to take thoughts captive (by the way if anyone  has practical tools for how to do this, I'd love them) or having to repeat to myself over and over again the truth about what is happening around me (out loud, which is also pretty funny probably to people).

Anyway, continue to pray for clarity on my decision, that I would not be distracted by things that should not affect my decision!

Blessings,
Erin