Well, the lawn finally got mowed, and it did NOT involve having to rent and/or borrow a cow of any sort! It only took an hour!...which is actually half an hour shorter than I thought it might take since I had to pass over several spots over and over just to get the grass the right height. I still need to weed wack and weed, but the yard is looking pretty good. If the wtheather is nice tomorrow I might spend some time out there again. I also got a new pump for my pond, and the waterfall is working again. I should really take a picture of it and add it to the blog just because it looks so neat right now. No raccoon raids in a long time due to the electric fence I have so I am enjoying being out back with an iced tea, a book and the soothing sounds of water.
I am looking for a roommate right now. Lora and Kristie both moved out and I had another gal here for a month. It is a long story and not very edifying to anyone to discuss, but the gal I had in here just did not work out. And so, I have an empty room right now. We have Freedom Immersion Week next week and the room will be used for the week with a guest, but after that, I am not sure who will be there! It is a big faith builder for me right now because without the extra rent and only having Julie to split the bills with, my finances are really tight right now. Any prayers on my behalf for the Lord to come through in this area would be greatly appreciated. I can charge groceries etc. to my credit card, but that feels like a slippery slope....eventually that bill will have to be paid too. Really, the answer is for my extra room to be rented so that I have the income from that.....It's just one of those many areas I am desperate for the Lord in right now.
The job is going well. I feel like I have really settled into a groove with it and I actually have some afternoons that are kind of relaxing and "easy," relatively speaking. It is such a mix of task and people that I think the biggest thing I am needing to balance is knowing when I need to be task-driven, and when I need to be people-driven. Sometimes it is obvious, and sometimes it isn't so obvious. Especially during Freedom Immersion Weeks when there are so many people in and out of the office and yet my work-load still needs to be taken care of. The last Immersion Week we had at one point there was probably a dozen people in the reception area and the phone rang and I literally could not hear the person on the phone due to the din of voices in the office. It was pretty comical. I still feel the pinch, however, when I do something "wrong" and need to be corrected...those old feelings of fear of failure rear their ugly head.
Women's ministry is also going well. I am being pressed a lot in this too. There is a desperate need for women to rise up in our body and shepherd the women at our church. This means me. I am fully capable of leading a small group, and yet I have not done so. There are some things in the works regarding women's ministry and I know I have to step up to the plate right now and not let my fear or lies prevent me from doing what I have been created to do.
So, there is your more detailed version of my life right now.....and in a nutshell-I just need to trust the Lord more!
Erin
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Responsibility
Do you ever feel so burdened with responsibility that you just want someone to just tell you what to do so that you don't have to think about it? That's how I feel right now.
My lawn needs to be mowed in a most desperate way. Really. Chia Pets are jealous. And I look out at my lawn and I just sigh....it would be so nice to not think about the fact that a small cow could hide in the grass and wonder when I will have time to get the mower out. This is just one thing that I just so long for someone else to be responsible for. It is on the priority list to get done, it is just at the bottom of the list. The reality is that at some point it has to move up to the top, otherwise you might not be able to see the top of my house from the street. :) This is just one example of how I am learning how to balance life....what is priority and how do I know when one thing needs to take precedence over another? I don't have the answer to that right now, but if anyone knows where I can find a cow, I've got a great snack for it to eat!
Erin
My lawn needs to be mowed in a most desperate way. Really. Chia Pets are jealous. And I look out at my lawn and I just sigh....it would be so nice to not think about the fact that a small cow could hide in the grass and wonder when I will have time to get the mower out. This is just one thing that I just so long for someone else to be responsible for. It is on the priority list to get done, it is just at the bottom of the list. The reality is that at some point it has to move up to the top, otherwise you might not be able to see the top of my house from the street. :) This is just one example of how I am learning how to balance life....what is priority and how do I know when one thing needs to take precedence over another? I don't have the answer to that right now, but if anyone knows where I can find a cow, I've got a great snack for it to eat!
Erin
Saturday, May 19, 2007
OK, people seriously....
Has it really been over a month since my last post?? How does time go by so fast? So much has happened, as it always seems to be with my life, but que cera. Anyway, had my birthday, and that was fun, I will post some pics.
Life has been interesting of late. I feel like I am more desperate for the Lord to come through for me than ever before in my life, in all areas of my life: financially, with roommates, in my job, with women I am ministering to, in relationships, etc. But, I am also quite at a place of peace with it all too, because I know that there is little I can do to change my circumstances, and so it just puts you in a spot of knowing that if the Lord doesn't show up, well, He's just go to!
So much with all that is going on is just at a tension spot right now. I am not through any of it but rather right in the middle of the fire. It is a good place to be, but it is also hard. I wrote earlier that this year was supposed to be one of miracles and I have found myself questioning the Lord: "Where is the miracle in THIS?" but the Lord always says: "Ask me to show you the miracle." And, it 9 times out of 10 what I am needing to learn is the miracle. I write about how desperate I am for Him to come through and that is something I am learning. I am learning about my authority and how to confront someone out of love. I am learning more about being interdependent with those around me as roommates move on to new living situations and I am left feeling alone. I am learning about reaching out for help when I need it and not being able to rely on my own strength because I don't have enough to get me through. I am learning about knowing that what I am being asked to be responsible for, that I can do it even though I want to quit most of the time. I am learning to radically love others and that this doesn't always mean leaving them to do what is going to kill them spiritually, but instead how to speak the truth in love. I am learning that the only way for the Lord to come through is for me to be in radical prayer...but that it is hard to see what the Lord sees.....it can break your heart. I am learning more about being myself around those I would seek to know on a deeper level, and being OK if they don't want to know me back.
All of that is the miracle of this season. I have a lot going on and a lot of balls I am juggling right now and yet they are all in one form or another connected to each other. So, things are a bit tangled and messy, but I am well. I have never been closer to the Lord, and I have never felt the gentleness of His leading like I have in this last month.
May the gentleness and kindness of the Lord be yours as well.
Erin
Life has been interesting of late. I feel like I am more desperate for the Lord to come through for me than ever before in my life, in all areas of my life: financially, with roommates, in my job, with women I am ministering to, in relationships, etc. But, I am also quite at a place of peace with it all too, because I know that there is little I can do to change my circumstances, and so it just puts you in a spot of knowing that if the Lord doesn't show up, well, He's just go to!
So much with all that is going on is just at a tension spot right now. I am not through any of it but rather right in the middle of the fire. It is a good place to be, but it is also hard. I wrote earlier that this year was supposed to be one of miracles and I have found myself questioning the Lord: "Where is the miracle in THIS?" but the Lord always says: "Ask me to show you the miracle." And, it 9 times out of 10 what I am needing to learn is the miracle. I write about how desperate I am for Him to come through and that is something I am learning. I am learning about my authority and how to confront someone out of love. I am learning more about being interdependent with those around me as roommates move on to new living situations and I am left feeling alone. I am learning about reaching out for help when I need it and not being able to rely on my own strength because I don't have enough to get me through. I am learning about knowing that what I am being asked to be responsible for, that I can do it even though I want to quit most of the time. I am learning to radically love others and that this doesn't always mean leaving them to do what is going to kill them spiritually, but instead how to speak the truth in love. I am learning that the only way for the Lord to come through is for me to be in radical prayer...but that it is hard to see what the Lord sees.....it can break your heart. I am learning more about being myself around those I would seek to know on a deeper level, and being OK if they don't want to know me back.
All of that is the miracle of this season. I have a lot going on and a lot of balls I am juggling right now and yet they are all in one form or another connected to each other. So, things are a bit tangled and messy, but I am well. I have never been closer to the Lord, and I have never felt the gentleness of His leading like I have in this last month.
May the gentleness and kindness of the Lord be yours as well.
Erin
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Where to begin....
It has been a few weeks since I last wrote and the main subject of this post should be "new job" since that has taken up a majority of my time lately.
Let me start by saying, I love it. I love the people I work with. All the guys at the office are great. I love being a part of what is happening at my church and being in the middle of everything. I love that I get to see folks from the church when they come in or get to talk to them when they call or write to them when they email. I also get to communicate with people from all over the world. For example, this week we had Freedom Immersion Week at the office and 30 people from all over the globe were there in the office. I LOVE that. I love that I got to pray with and for a number of them. I love that. I even actually really like the administrative stuff that I get to do. My mind just thinks administratively.
Whew, but boy, is it a busy place, and particularly this week, I have been tired! I have been on a steep learning curve with no training. I didn't mention this in the last post, but Gretchen, the gal who used to be the office manager at our church, had her baby three weeks early and I did not get a day of training before I started! I got about a half an hour lesson on how to answer the phones and slowly people have been showing me how to do things, but really....it's been just me from day one. I wasn't super surprised that the baby came early. In fact, I think my exact words were "Of course!" I just had to walk in like I owned the place and make it mine. In some ways it is nice not to have anyone to compare to.....everything is just mine to do how I see fit. So, I have been trying to slowly adjust and change some things to be my way....but it has been hard to fit some of that in with the other job duties. I feel like I am starting to find my groove there, but it will take a bit of time.
I will try to post more later.
Erin
Let me start by saying, I love it. I love the people I work with. All the guys at the office are great. I love being a part of what is happening at my church and being in the middle of everything. I love that I get to see folks from the church when they come in or get to talk to them when they call or write to them when they email. I also get to communicate with people from all over the world. For example, this week we had Freedom Immersion Week at the office and 30 people from all over the globe were there in the office. I LOVE that. I love that I got to pray with and for a number of them. I love that. I even actually really like the administrative stuff that I get to do. My mind just thinks administratively.
Whew, but boy, is it a busy place, and particularly this week, I have been tired! I have been on a steep learning curve with no training. I didn't mention this in the last post, but Gretchen, the gal who used to be the office manager at our church, had her baby three weeks early and I did not get a day of training before I started! I got about a half an hour lesson on how to answer the phones and slowly people have been showing me how to do things, but really....it's been just me from day one. I wasn't super surprised that the baby came early. In fact, I think my exact words were "Of course!" I just had to walk in like I owned the place and make it mine. In some ways it is nice not to have anyone to compare to.....everything is just mine to do how I see fit. So, I have been trying to slowly adjust and change some things to be my way....but it has been hard to fit some of that in with the other job duties. I feel like I am starting to find my groove there, but it will take a bit of time.
I will try to post more later.
Erin
Thursday, March 29, 2007
All
I am already starting to see how this new job is going to be a refining one for me. We had our very first staff meeting today and I think I bawled through half of it. Pastor Brian was just going to step in and talk to us staff briefly before we had our meeting about upcoming events at the church etc. and it turned into a three-hour hanky-fest. He was talking about the cost of following the Lord and how we don't want to truly pay the cost. He has just come back from a trip to Turkey and has seen how true missionaries live and the cost that they pay, as well as the cost that disciples had to pay. And the bottom line is: I have not been willing to pay the cost.
There are so many things that I just hold onto so dearly and with clenched fists.....I fight to keep them and do not want to give them up. My time, my reputation, my house. You name it, and it is something I have held onto. No, the Lord is not asking me to be perfect at this yet. But, if I truly want revival to break out, if I truly want others to know the Lord, if I truly want those things it could very well cost me everything.
Giving up what is really nothing in order to gain everything is the truth of the matter. Yet I somehow still look at those things that are "nothing" and think that somehow they have merit. Where do I get that idea?
My life should be lived to serve, to come low, to obey at first ask, to love others, and I see that I do very little of that. Even today at my job, having opportunity after opportunity to just be less of "me" and more of "Jesus" to my co-workers, I am convicted of how little I did just that. How much harder to bless and serve those who are not easy to love. Yet those are the very people who need it most.
I am pressed this evening, and need more of Jesus to meet me here.
Erin
There are so many things that I just hold onto so dearly and with clenched fists.....I fight to keep them and do not want to give them up. My time, my reputation, my house. You name it, and it is something I have held onto. No, the Lord is not asking me to be perfect at this yet. But, if I truly want revival to break out, if I truly want others to know the Lord, if I truly want those things it could very well cost me everything.
Giving up what is really nothing in order to gain everything is the truth of the matter. Yet I somehow still look at those things that are "nothing" and think that somehow they have merit. Where do I get that idea?
My life should be lived to serve, to come low, to obey at first ask, to love others, and I see that I do very little of that. Even today at my job, having opportunity after opportunity to just be less of "me" and more of "Jesus" to my co-workers, I am convicted of how little I did just that. How much harder to bless and serve those who are not easy to love. Yet those are the very people who need it most.
I am pressed this evening, and need more of Jesus to meet me here.
Erin
Friday, March 23, 2007
Back from Korea
I am back from my trip to Korea and after sleeping thirteen hours last night, I am feeling pretty rested right now. I have a ton of laundry to do and a lot of unpacking, plus I am in desperate need of grocery shopping, but I am back!
The trip was amazing and I feel like I am probably different in a lot of ways, but there is SO MUCH I need to process through right now.
We did two three-day "conferences" in Seoul. One was at a church with about 50 women, and the other was at a YWAM school with about 120 women. Both conferences had similar formats: Day one talking about repentance and sin and how those things affect our original design and hearing from the Lord. Then we prayed and got everyone's original design. (yes two teams prayed for 120 people's original design in one afternoon!!! plus we had to use a translator which made everything take twice as long). The next day we talked about strongholds, and what they are and what forges them. We then walked them through repenting of them. The last day was the funnest when we got to talk about hearing from the Lord and then let them all break into groups and pray for each other.
There is so much to process through about what happened....an invitation to come back in the fall, an invitaiton from a Chinese pastor to come to China, the generosity and hospitality of the Korean people....and on and on. I will try to write more as I can. It is good to be back home though.
Erin
The trip was amazing and I feel like I am probably different in a lot of ways, but there is SO MUCH I need to process through right now.
We did two three-day "conferences" in Seoul. One was at a church with about 50 women, and the other was at a YWAM school with about 120 women. Both conferences had similar formats: Day one talking about repentance and sin and how those things affect our original design and hearing from the Lord. Then we prayed and got everyone's original design. (yes two teams prayed for 120 people's original design in one afternoon!!! plus we had to use a translator which made everything take twice as long). The next day we talked about strongholds, and what they are and what forges them. We then walked them through repenting of them. The last day was the funnest when we got to talk about hearing from the Lord and then let them all break into groups and pray for each other.
There is so much to process through about what happened....an invitation to come back in the fall, an invitaiton from a Chinese pastor to come to China, the generosity and hospitality of the Korean people....and on and on. I will try to write more as I can. It is good to be back home though.
Erin
Monday, March 12, 2007
Freshness
I have decided the reason I love spring so much is because it is the promise of a new start. You know? Birds are back singing their little hearts out. FLowers are blooming and their brightness lights up the dim corners of a dreary garden. Even the scent of grass cut for the first time in months just smells nice. Everything just seems to be singing praises to the King....and I am singing right along with them.
I got to spend several hours outside today working in the yard. It was pouring down rain yesterday, so I spent yesterday packing in hopes that I could be outside today. I pruned a bunch of plants in dire need of having dead branches or branches heading in the wrong direction, did some weeding and general cleanup of branches so that I could mow. I mowed for the first time this year and it is amazing to me always how much cleaner the yard looks with a nice trim. I also sprayed off the back deck and had dreams of the BBQs we will have back there this summer. Not everything is blooming, but it is all so spring-like outside. It just lifed my spirits. I also got to plant a few plants I had purchased at the flower show in Feb. as well as the roses mom and dad bought me for a VERY early birthday present. They are going to look beautiful when they are in full bloom.
I leave for Korea tomorrow and I am getting more excited about the trip as it draws closer. I have been praying and praying for the Lord to give me a deeper heart for the Korean women I am going to meet and minister to. Unlike England, Korea has never been a place I have dreamed of going to. Don't get me wrong, now that I am going, I am super excited. But, it is not a place I have really ever thought of visiting before. Most likely the next time I post, I will have returned from Korea. I am taking my camera, so pictures will follow!
Erin
I got to spend several hours outside today working in the yard. It was pouring down rain yesterday, so I spent yesterday packing in hopes that I could be outside today. I pruned a bunch of plants in dire need of having dead branches or branches heading in the wrong direction, did some weeding and general cleanup of branches so that I could mow. I mowed for the first time this year and it is amazing to me always how much cleaner the yard looks with a nice trim. I also sprayed off the back deck and had dreams of the BBQs we will have back there this summer. Not everything is blooming, but it is all so spring-like outside. It just lifed my spirits. I also got to plant a few plants I had purchased at the flower show in Feb. as well as the roses mom and dad bought me for a VERY early birthday present. They are going to look beautiful when they are in full bloom.
I leave for Korea tomorrow and I am getting more excited about the trip as it draws closer. I have been praying and praying for the Lord to give me a deeper heart for the Korean women I am going to meet and minister to. Unlike England, Korea has never been a place I have dreamed of going to. Don't get me wrong, now that I am going, I am super excited. But, it is not a place I have really ever thought of visiting before. Most likely the next time I post, I will have returned from Korea. I am taking my camera, so pictures will follow!
Erin
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Take THAT Fear
I have had major victory over fear this week. I know it to be true because the things that I was anxious about and fretting over a week ago, are now no longer an issue....I have had freedom!
Example a. Follow-up class to our women's conference. Last week I taught our follow-up class and it went great. Once again I had way over-prepared and had probably 50 minutes worth of teaching or more to fit into half an hour. So, this week, instead of worrying all week about finding tim to prepare for this week, or working on it off and on all week, I just took the evening this evening and it took about an hour or so, but I am ready for this Saturday's class! Wow, how easy is that?
Example b. Korea. I woke up a few weeks ago from a nightmare (see previous post about weird dreams) regarding the trip with my heart pounding and all sweaty. Some of this was my own sin, some of this was intercession for the trip that needed to happen, but I am completely at peace and more excited about the whole thing than I have been since we first heard about going. I think I will get even more excited once I actually begin packing (tomorrow). Right now it just seems really surreal.
Example c. New job. I am so over the top about this that I actually took some of my tax return money and bought a few new things to wear. Since I will be the first person you see when you walk in the door of the church office AND since it is an office setting, I thought I should be at least a little professional looking. Not every day, since it is still a pretty casual place, but more than I have been for rolling around on the floors with preschoolers. Also, I needed some spring clothes since last year's spring clothes do not fit me! I am about 20 lbs. below last spring's weight, and even about 10-15 lbs below last summer's weight, so summer clothes might be in the works as well. I do not even own a single pair of shorts other than workout shorts! I can't wear shorts in the office, but they will be nice to have.
In other news....Lora is getting ready to move out at the end of the month to start her own house. Kristy, who has been sharing quarters with me upstairs will get her room. Not sure yet if I will have someone move in upstairs with me. I might just go a while and have just the three of us. It is nice between roommates to have the upstairs to myself. Plus, I am looking into the whole remodel thing up there again. I know it sounds crazy, but I am seriously considering it. If I do that, it will be better to just have me up there. We'll see. Financially things are a bit different now then they were the last time I seriously thought about it. However, there is a guy at church who is a contractor (not the same one I looked into last time) and I trust him to give me a fair quote.
Spring fever has also hit me quite hard. I can hardly wait to get myself out into the garden again. I have done a bit of work out there, but every day I go on what I call my "garden tour" just to see what is blooming, about to bloom, or getting ready to put on a serious show of leaves bursting forth. I am itching to get some of my plants moved about, and do some pruning, but I am just enjoying the fact that it literally smells like spring. The other day it was 67 degrees here and clear and I just drove around with my windows down and the Mariner's on the radio (Spring Training game, but still!!) and I felt so great. There is such an appreciation for me this time every year. The days are longer, it is warming up, plants are blooming, and winter is coming to an end. I am not a huge fan of the months of Jan. and Feb. due to their gloominess, but I KNOW that I appreciate spring that much more because of those months. And I also know that for those plants to put on the "show" that they do each year, they also need those months to rest. Isn't it amazing how our Lord knew that even plants needed a time to rest. I could learn a lot from that!
Well, next time I post it MIGHT be after returning from Korea. We'll see. If there is any other big news, I might get a chance to blog, otherwise, .....Korea, here I come!
Erin
Example a. Follow-up class to our women's conference. Last week I taught our follow-up class and it went great. Once again I had way over-prepared and had probably 50 minutes worth of teaching or more to fit into half an hour. So, this week, instead of worrying all week about finding tim to prepare for this week, or working on it off and on all week, I just took the evening this evening and it took about an hour or so, but I am ready for this Saturday's class! Wow, how easy is that?
Example b. Korea. I woke up a few weeks ago from a nightmare (see previous post about weird dreams) regarding the trip with my heart pounding and all sweaty. Some of this was my own sin, some of this was intercession for the trip that needed to happen, but I am completely at peace and more excited about the whole thing than I have been since we first heard about going. I think I will get even more excited once I actually begin packing (tomorrow). Right now it just seems really surreal.
Example c. New job. I am so over the top about this that I actually took some of my tax return money and bought a few new things to wear. Since I will be the first person you see when you walk in the door of the church office AND since it is an office setting, I thought I should be at least a little professional looking. Not every day, since it is still a pretty casual place, but more than I have been for rolling around on the floors with preschoolers. Also, I needed some spring clothes since last year's spring clothes do not fit me! I am about 20 lbs. below last spring's weight, and even about 10-15 lbs below last summer's weight, so summer clothes might be in the works as well. I do not even own a single pair of shorts other than workout shorts! I can't wear shorts in the office, but they will be nice to have.
In other news....Lora is getting ready to move out at the end of the month to start her own house. Kristy, who has been sharing quarters with me upstairs will get her room. Not sure yet if I will have someone move in upstairs with me. I might just go a while and have just the three of us. It is nice between roommates to have the upstairs to myself. Plus, I am looking into the whole remodel thing up there again. I know it sounds crazy, but I am seriously considering it. If I do that, it will be better to just have me up there. We'll see. Financially things are a bit different now then they were the last time I seriously thought about it. However, there is a guy at church who is a contractor (not the same one I looked into last time) and I trust him to give me a fair quote.
Spring fever has also hit me quite hard. I can hardly wait to get myself out into the garden again. I have done a bit of work out there, but every day I go on what I call my "garden tour" just to see what is blooming, about to bloom, or getting ready to put on a serious show of leaves bursting forth. I am itching to get some of my plants moved about, and do some pruning, but I am just enjoying the fact that it literally smells like spring. The other day it was 67 degrees here and clear and I just drove around with my windows down and the Mariner's on the radio (Spring Training game, but still!!) and I felt so great. There is such an appreciation for me this time every year. The days are longer, it is warming up, plants are blooming, and winter is coming to an end. I am not a huge fan of the months of Jan. and Feb. due to their gloominess, but I KNOW that I appreciate spring that much more because of those months. And I also know that for those plants to put on the "show" that they do each year, they also need those months to rest. Isn't it amazing how our Lord knew that even plants needed a time to rest. I could learn a lot from that!
Well, next time I post it MIGHT be after returning from Korea. We'll see. If there is any other big news, I might get a chance to blog, otherwise, .....Korea, here I come!
Erin
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Retirement
I am now officially a "retired" preschool director. I had my last day with the 3-year-olds on Thursday and my last day with the 4-year-olds on Friday. We had a bit of a "party" on Thursday. I got some flowers and cards from the kids, but and even bigger "party" on Friday. This came complete with yummy brownie bites, gifts, balloons etc. It was so cute. I don't think a lot of them really realize that I am done there. I don't think *I* fully realize that I am done there. I think it will hit me more on Monday when I don't have to get up early. I pretty much held it together emotionally until the very end when I got a picture book from Erika, and then when I had to say goodbye. I will miss those kids so much. It is amazing how much I love them!
We also hired someone at my other part time job. I start training her on Monday. It should be good to transition out of that job, too. I love working with all the guys at that church and in the office, but I am for sure ready to move on.
I leave for Korea a week from Tuesday. I will be gone for nine days. We are spending our whole trip in Seoul. However, we have discovered that we will be staying in a hotel. That is good! I don't think I have had a ton of time to really process that I am leaving in basically a week for a whole different country. If you think about it, be praying. I have had some funky weird dreams lately regarding the trip. I won't go into details, but let's just say I have a feeling intercession is needed!
I have not been able to get a hold of any recordings of my talk from the conference. I keep hearing from people how great it was, though. And that is encouraging. We are still continuing with our four-week follow up classes and I am teaching the first of them today. I am not as nervous at all as I was for the conference, but I am still I think overly worried about it. This has been such an area of needing breakthrough! I have been so fearful! I HATE it! It is not like me to be such a woman of fear. And, it is fear based in absolutely nothing! I am afraid of messing up, afraid of saying something wrong, afraid of people saying that I am not a good teacher and shouldn't be doing it any more, afraid that this is my ONE opportunity to teach and I'll never get to do it again, afraid of what leadership will think about me, afraid that people will change their minds about me, blah, blah, blah, blah.....ICK! And, it is not just this one area that I am fearful about....Korea, my new job, being a good small group leader....
The bottom line is, that I have not been trusting the Lord. Period. There is no other way to put it. Not only that, I have been so concerned about what others think of me, and idolizing their opinions that I have not cared at all what the Lord says about how I am doing. This has led to so much self-focus, and I have wounded at least one friend with my actions. You know when you are consumed with what people think of you, you at times hurt those around you. This is what has happened. In my zeal to be noticed and thought highly of by those who's opinion "matters" I have pushed away those who love me most. I have needed to ask forgiveness a lot lately. I have been humbled.
If you are someone in my life that I have overlooked lately, I extend my sincerest apology.
Erin
We also hired someone at my other part time job. I start training her on Monday. It should be good to transition out of that job, too. I love working with all the guys at that church and in the office, but I am for sure ready to move on.
I leave for Korea a week from Tuesday. I will be gone for nine days. We are spending our whole trip in Seoul. However, we have discovered that we will be staying in a hotel. That is good! I don't think I have had a ton of time to really process that I am leaving in basically a week for a whole different country. If you think about it, be praying. I have had some funky weird dreams lately regarding the trip. I won't go into details, but let's just say I have a feeling intercession is needed!
I have not been able to get a hold of any recordings of my talk from the conference. I keep hearing from people how great it was, though. And that is encouraging. We are still continuing with our four-week follow up classes and I am teaching the first of them today. I am not as nervous at all as I was for the conference, but I am still I think overly worried about it. This has been such an area of needing breakthrough! I have been so fearful! I HATE it! It is not like me to be such a woman of fear. And, it is fear based in absolutely nothing! I am afraid of messing up, afraid of saying something wrong, afraid of people saying that I am not a good teacher and shouldn't be doing it any more, afraid that this is my ONE opportunity to teach and I'll never get to do it again, afraid of what leadership will think about me, afraid that people will change their minds about me, blah, blah, blah, blah.....ICK! And, it is not just this one area that I am fearful about....Korea, my new job, being a good small group leader....
The bottom line is, that I have not been trusting the Lord. Period. There is no other way to put it. Not only that, I have been so concerned about what others think of me, and idolizing their opinions that I have not cared at all what the Lord says about how I am doing. This has led to so much self-focus, and I have wounded at least one friend with my actions. You know when you are consumed with what people think of you, you at times hurt those around you. This is what has happened. In my zeal to be noticed and thought highly of by those who's opinion "matters" I have pushed away those who love me most. I have needed to ask forgiveness a lot lately. I have been humbled.
If you are someone in my life that I have overlooked lately, I extend my sincerest apology.
Erin
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